Last week, I turned on General Hospital in the middle and realized Emily and Sam were laughing and whispering about faking orgasms and I thought I’d have an aneurysm. I cannot believe that women still do this twenty years after Dr. Ruth and while Sue Johanson describes everything on Oxygen’s Talk Sex! Never in my life have I faked an orgasm. In fact, I didn’t realize it was a thing people did until I was in my thirties because as a product of the public schools I mostly learned about sex by stealing a stack of Dad’s Penthouses. In 1994, on CNBC’s internationally syndicated show Real Personal with that self-absorbed prick Bob WhatsHisFace I said I’d never faked it – and everyone in the studio went spastic. Faking doesn’t make sense because I am selfish enough to want the real thing and if I don’t tell the truth, I don’t get what I want, do I? Many marvelous sensations and emotions are available to the person willing to take a number at the – shall we say – Deli Counter of Physical Delights, and though orgasms aren’t the beginning and ending of the menu, they’re pretty good. Sometimes a gal has to say, “Baby, this is fiercely good fun but it’s not the way I build a sandwich.” I just don’t see the problem.
Let’s say for argument’s sake you’re a heterosexual woman – not that there’s anything wrong with that. For argument’s sake, let’s say you sleep with men. You’ve got a pair of roller skates. They’ve got keys. Everybody’s different and you don’t necessarily have dreamy woo-woo sex magic the first time.
Mamie: Ever had sex that went on and on and on and you wished it would just end?
Tata: If I remembered the 1990s, I’m sure I’d say yes.
Mamie: He’s waiting for you.
Tata: Not me. If he’s naked he already knows he’s donning scuba gear and diving for treasure.
Mamie: You might hurt his feelings.
Tata: In this hypothetical hook up, why would I knock boots with a man who doesn’t want to actually please me?
The poet Alan Michael Parker told me many times that staying married was work and there was one superhot way to go about it.
AMP: Couples should always fight naked. That way, they remember what’s really important.
Tata: Fine for you, with the beautiful wife, but for folks with ugly lovers that might be counterproductive.
In matters of sex, honesty really is the best policy. If you’re not interested in a second helping of the soup du jour, do what you want but don’t lie about anything except your name – if you must. Be “Xena, Warrior Princess” if you want. Nobody cares. But if you’re dating someone and savor his flavors, tell him where to find your rich, creamy center. For everyone’s sake, girls, uncross your ankles and go for it. You’ll make the world a better place. You’ll be in a better mood. You’ll like your man a whole lot more when you’re thinking about him curling your toes and maybe you’ll stop doing bitchy things like giving your sisters family recipes with an ingredient left out.
…So to answer your question, I’ll have the house salad with the raspberry vinaigrette dressing and please hold the onions.