I’m interrupting my story because I can’t stifle myself. I tried. Here, hold the duct tape. I just realized the hard way I forgot to Nair my mustache. Yesterday, I got a mass email from Chuck Schumer, thoughtfully addressed to me by name. Frankly, I liked it better when Chuck called me “Occupant”.
He’s talking directly to my checkbook, which somehow avoids eye contact.
At the beginning of this election cycle, few believed that Democrats had a shot to retake the Senate.
Now, with exactly 100 days left until the midterm elections, conventional wisdom has been turned on its head. We need a six-seat swing to achieve a Democratic majority in the Senate and our candidates are currently polling ahead or within single digit margins in races for seven seats currently held by Republicans.
Few what? Emus? Judging by the administration’s desperate attempts to blow up the world, I’d guess the Republicans think Democrats stand an excellent chance of turning out voters mad as a nest of wet hornets – though winning the election may be another story.
As the arm of the Democratic Party solely dedicated to electing Democrats to the Senate, the DSCC is funding the vital tools necessary for victory. The donations you’ve made over the last few weeks will help us –
Whoa! Has my checkbook been cheatin’ with Chuck? That hussy has betrayed me for the last time, because I – sure as shooting – didn’t give the spineless weaselly centrist DSCC a dime, and commas are too good for ’em.
In the coming months, we’ll need even more support from committed Democrats like you to fight these well-financed Republican incumbents. But today, I thank you, our online community for getting our 100 Days Out campaign off to a blistering start.
Don’t thank me. Thank your proofreader, who overlooks a number of startling errors like that missing comma of direct address and that the DSCC hates the online community, which is surly and not terribly cohesive but enjoys a good joke. Like this one:
Click here to make a secure online contribution of $50, $75 or more –
I can’t breathe! After the passage of that bankruptcy bill, I know I’ll never have spare change again. Everything goes into savings because the alternative is finding myself enslaved by American Express, so appeals for cash from millionaires are better than knock-knock jokes, especially during a summer of record foreclosures. But it gets better.
Click here to make a secure online contribution of $50, $75 or more. If you donate before midnight tonight, a group of Democrats[sic] senators will match you 2 for 1, effectively tripling your donation.
I’d rather chew off my foot than send a donation that would imply I approve of the job the DSCC or the party or the Senate has been doing, but here’s a tip:
Hey Chuck! Next time, attach raising the minimum wage to a Congressional pay raise and maybe the Republicans won’t laugh in your face; even so, don’t come crying to me after you fuck the American people over and over and over.