Tata: You’re jealous of this dinner Pete made and you’re not eating.
Daria: I am?
Tata: You are. Listen to this gravy!
Daria: That gravy does sound delicious! And you’re just the bitch to tell me I’m not having that!
Tata: It seemed important to tell you. You can’t go around not knowing!
Ignorance was indeed bliss until a moment later when Daria discovered her middle child was not playing on her front lawn and I hung up on her efforts to get me to drive 35 miles in a snow storm to find her kid who is plainly sitting up in his room in dripping boots, duh. Don’t ask me how I know that, but I’m as sure of it as I am that kid will never graduate college and his parents should put bail bondsmen on speed dial.
Recently, I’ve noticed that even though we’re under surveillance pretty much all the time, people are pretty stupid about covering up their petty crimes. Like, by not even covering them up. Several people of my acquaintance had this conversation in a public space with witnesses two weeks ago.
Guy: I know this guy. He gets movies before they come out. You just can’t care about where they came from or the condition of the movie and I have to get them back to him before the movie’s in theaters.
Dumb Person: I want to borrow movies!
Guy: Make a list. I’ll ask if he can get them.
Dumb Person: Here’s my list.
Guy: (Making his next startling admission…)
Meanwhile, I’m emailing Siobhan.
Tata: I can’t believe it. They’re talking about this like they don’t know some of the people around them are rule-following halfwits!
Siobhan: Maybe they want to get caught!
Tata: They’re bad at crime!
Siobhan: Why don’t you go explain it to them? Maybe they’re learn something.
Tata: What, and give them the confidence to do something else truly stupid? No thanks!
Today, I got a letter from the cable company indicating that someone had pirated a movie via my wireless account. Personally, I don’t care who steals from NBC, just that they be good enough at crime to leave me out of it. I explained that I had certainly never seen the stolen movie and was frankly too much of a glamorous doofus to steal The Forty Year Old Virgin. What I did not say was that if I were doing something like that, I certainly wouldn’t be stupid enough to steal it on my own wireless account. But then, no one has to be bad at crime.
Since I have a good idea who might’ve done it, it helps me that people are.