Like You Were the Only Man

Fucking Blogger! This happens every New Year’s, when Siobhan heads for a more sympathetic jurisdiction. Last year, Blogger and PIC’s host quit talking to each other over a family recipe dispute, I guess. I mean, who knows? But when the pie hit the buffet table, the cinnamon flew and sticky fingerprints still dot the blog, which is stuck. Last night, Pete and I stayed up late into the night, talking with with my seasonally distressed stepmommy Darla, and this morning, nobody slept. It was a hard, restless night; so naturally, today the family again celebrated Christmas. Rejoice! I’m exhausted and Jewish but damn it, there’s chateaubriand!

Out With An Honest Tongue Now

If there’s anything amusing about New Year’s it’s the phone calls.

Siobhan: GUESS WHERE I AM!
Tata: Saskatoon?
Siobhan: DAD CAME OFF THE VENTILATOR TODAY AND SAID I SHOULD GO TO THE PARTY. I’VE BEEN DRINKING SINCE 5:30!
Tata: That’s great news! You should hang up and I’ll leave a message with instructions for how to hide a body and elude capture. Which you will need tomorrow.
Siobhan: THANKS! I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON YOU! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Tata: Have your lawyer call me at home – just like last time. Happy New Year!

The phone – jeez, the phone! Daria’s house is 15 miles west of mine. We should have walkie talkies.

Tata: A light snow is falling here so I called to hear about your frozen monsoon.
Tyler: It’s sunny here. At least I think it is. Do you want to speak to your sister?
Tata: Nah. The storm is coming from the north so it’s going to blizzard where you are any minute now.
Tyler: Really?
Tata: Yup. Tell her to call me back in ten minutes so I can mock her high-heeled snow shoes.

I may need one of those head sets that usually tells me someone’s a colossal dick.

Daria: Darla’s coming in tonight. I’m standing in a liquor store. She wants a box of wine.
Tata: Get the pink stuff. She likes it and it goes with your downstairs bathroom.

Skywriting? Bat signal?

Daria: Todd called an hour ago. He and Bette went to the Hentons’ for New Year’s. He said they invited Todd and Bette for spaghetti and meatballs. I said, “Spaghetti and meatballs? That’s not New Year’s food.”
Tata: That’s Tuesday food.
Daria: I mean, what’s that? Spaghetti and meatballs. Last night, we had sushi and three kinds of fondue. It’s a party. You might eat spaghetti and meatballs on New Year’s Day to nurse your hangover maybe.
Tata: Yeah, but only if the meatballs are quiet.

If everyone’s this interesting I might quit hanging up randomly.
Sharkey: Hello?
Tata: The number you have dialed is out of order.
Sharkey: I know it’s you. 
Tata: Press 1 for English, press 2 for Pig Latin…