The Moment Is A Masterpiece

This morning, three enormous female wild turkeys strolled and hopped around the backyard before sauntering off down the neighbors’ driveway. They were bigger than geese and had no trouble leaping over six-foot fences. We surmise they turned up to visit their distant cousins, our neighbor’s hens. The people of the chickens did not see the turkeys, but had a phone call about them.

Basement garden, soon to be porch, window box, greenhouse and raised garden gardens. You read that right.

Basement garden, soon to be porch, window box, greenhouse and raised garden gardens. You read that right.

Speaking of peculiar events, tomorrow is April Fool’s Day and the sixth anniversary of Dad’s death and some of the best writing of my illustrious career. Coincidentally, turkey hunting permits go on sale in New Jersey tomorrow.

Who’s To Blame?

(With apologies to the B-52s)

Surprise! Party!

surprise

Yeah, we just thought we’d drop in!

drop in

Where’s your icebox?

icebox

Where’s the punch?

punch

Eww, House-a-tosis!

houseatosis

Who’s to blame when parties really get out of hand?

party gone out of bounds

Who’s to blame when they get poorly planned?

poorly planned

Crashers get bombed

crashers

Slobs make a mess

actual villain

Ya know sometimes they’ll even ruin your wife’s dress

George And Laura Bush Attend Groundbreaking For Bush Presidential Center

Crashers gettin’ bombed. (Who’s to blame?)

who's to

Can you pull it back in line?
Can you salvage it in time?

out of bounds

What can you do to save a party?

a party gone

Parcheesi?

parcheesi

Charades?

charades

A spur-of-the-moment scavenger hunt,

scavenger hunt

Or Queen of the Nile?

queen of the nile

Who turned out the lights?

turn out the lights

Bombed,

bombed - 1

Crashers gettin’ bombed,

bombed - 2

Crashers gettin’ bombed,

TV BILL O'REILLY

Bombed,

bombed - 4

Bombed,

bombed - 5

Bombed,

bombed - 6

Well, who’s to blame?

to blame

Who’s to blame when situations degenerate?

blame 1

Disgusting things you’d never anticipate

People get sick, they play the wrong games

the wrong games

Ya know, it can ruin your name!

Crashers gettin’ bombed. (Who’s to blame?)

who's to blame 3

Can you pull it back in line?

in line

Can you salvage it in time?

it in time

It shouldn’t be difficult!

Try not to condemn!

condemn

O.K. who ordered pizza?

I’ll be tactful when making the rounds

Be tactful when making the rounds

tactful when

And maybe you can save a party…

Debt Showdown

Party gone out of bounds!

completely out of bounds

Gone out of bounds!

disastrous and stupid

Images and videos courtesy of the Intertubes. Thank you, Intertubes.

I Go From Here To A Better State Than This

Fuck you, North Dakota:

FARGO, N.D. — Gov. Jack Dalrymple of North Dakota approved the nation’s toughest abortion restrictions on Tuesday, signing into law a measure that would ban nearly all abortions and inviting a legal showdown over just how much states can limit access to the procedure.

Mr. Dalrymple, a Republican, signed three bills passed by the Republican-controlled Legislature in Bismarck. The most far-reaching law forbids abortion once a fetal heartbeat is “detectable,” which can be as early as six weeks into a pregnancy. Fetal heartbeats are detectable at that stage of pregnancy using a transvaginal ultrasound.

Most legal scholars have said the law would violate the Supreme Court’s finding in Roe v. Wade that abortions were permitted until the fetus was viable outside the womb, generally around 24 weeks. Even some leaders of the anti-abortion movement nationally have predicted that laws banning abortion so early in pregnancy are virtually certain to be declared unconstitutional by federal courts.

“Although the likelihood of this measure surviving a court challenge remains in question, this bill is nevertheless a legitimate attempt by a state legislature to discover the boundaries of Roe v. Wade,” Mr. Dalrymple said in a statement. The Supreme Court, he added, “has never considered this precise restriction” in the heartbeat bill.

“I think there’s a lot of frustration in the pro-life movement,” said Paul B. Linton, a constitutional lawyer in Illinois who was formerly general counsel of Americans United for Life. “Forty years after Roe v. Wade was decided, it’s still the law of the land.”

When women die, when infants suffer needless deaths and tortured lives, when school systems choke, when children go hungry, when poverty wipes clean any hope of a better life, it’s all on you. If the federal courts do not overturn these laws, the blood is on your hands. Fuck you, just fuck you. I hope women leave you and find safe haven elsewhere.