Last time I tried stuffing Topaz into a closed room to protect her it took half an hour and Topaz clawed me in the eye. I was covered with scrapes; Topaz, Pete and I whimpered and cursed. We didn’t speak to one another for several days – and I do mean all three of us.

Tomorrow morning, Topaz has an appointment with the vet, which means I have to stuff her into a cat carrier. I started hyperventilating yesterday, but I’d been worried for a week, and I do mean varsity level, paralyzing, stocking-up-on-Neosporin-and-bandages worried. Is it too soon to don my helmet?