Author Archives: Tata

A Pocket With Nothing To Lose

Posted by Tata on
I stepped several times over what appeared to be a bottle cap before I thought, "Pick that up before something stupid happens." But too late for that, because my driveway contained money.

I stepped several times over what appeared to be a bottle cap before I thought, “Pick that up before something stupid happens.” But too late for that, because my driveway contained money.

Don't spend it all in one place.

Don’t spend it all in one place.

Have Anything You Want But

Posted by Tata on

Wednesday, my cousin Nancy told a story that, like all her stories, should be an episode in her own HBO series.

Tata: Are you seeing a therapist?

Nancy: I just started seeing a new one I really like, but she lives in this town where one of those dead teenager movies would take place. Have you ever heard of Roosevelt?

Tata: No. Where is it?

Nancy: That’s the thing: it’s right off 130 and no one knows where it is. It’s creepy and like time stopped. I drove out to her house and there was a flock of crows sitting on the roof. So I’m sitting in my car, looking up the spirit animal significance of crows.

Tata: What? No, don’t do that! You like her?

Nancy: I was seeing this awful man. I went to him because he had a therapy dog. All of my doctors are women so I thought I’d give this guy – I don’t know. But then I didn’t like the dog. I thought he looked dirty and he didn’t like me either. But I love dogs. The doctor had all these issues and I couldn’t talk about certain things with him.

Tata: You couldn’t talk with your therapist?

Nancy: He kept telling me I would benefit from going to Landmark Forum.

Tata: Get out!

Pete: What’s that?

Nancy: EST.

Pete: What’s EST?

Tata: It’s a cult.

Nancy: You remember my friend Meredith I just went on vacation with? She’s a therapist and she said that is soooo unethical. He should not be doing that.

Tata: So now you’re seeing a bad man with a dirty dog. It’s like going to the train station.

Nancy: I didn’t like the guy. I don’t like men doctors and his dog was – I don’t know. I pictured myself lying on the couch, stroking the dog and talking about my issues, but this was nothing like that. I don’t even think he was a therapy dog. Do you know what I mean? We sort of avoided each other. And of course I couldn’t talk to the therapist. He was kind of a round guy with a Santa beard and he wanted me to join a cult. I didn’t like him at all.

Tata: What – ? So why were you going there?

Nancy: I kind of got used to Rusty the dog. I didn’t really like him, but I got used to him. Week after week, I sort of thought I was making progress and then I went on vacation and when I got back there was a framed picture of Rusty on the desk and the therapist didn’t want to talk about it.

Tata [trying desperately to breathe]

Nancy: So I never went back.

We’ll Make Great Pets

Posted by Tata on

A Chinese company is trying to register Poor Impulse Control’s domain name + .cn. The gentleman who researches these matters in China wrote to ask if that company was my Chinese representative. I allowed as how I did not have one and asked him not to grant that company’s ridiculous request.

inflatable pets

Today, a letter from the company in garbled English saying the gentleman had told them to choose another name, but they would persist in trying to get mine. I mean, what the fuck, dudes? You don’t speak English but you have to have for use in the non-English-speaking Chinese market the three English words I picked out of goddamn Snow Crash more than ten years ago? Go fuck yourselves sideways. I can’t wait to see your stupid frat boy tattoos.