During November and December, I fall into a glamorous torpor we can attribute to the cold and the dark. Last winter was a little different, as the weather was unusually warm and I was out in it, walking everywhere. This winter, I feel as if I’m drifting from job to job and task to task with little ambition and less focus. Frankly, the only reason I didn’t call out this morning is that next week, when it’s colder and darker, I might feel worse. Then again, at least I’m accounted for.

A British man who reappeared five years after he was thought to have drowned in a canoeing accident has been arrested on suspicion of fraud, police confirmed Wednesday.

Police, who are trying to piece together the movements of John Darwin over the last five years, have made a public appeal for information over his whereabouts.

Whoa.

Darwin, a prison officer and former teacher, was declared dead by a coroner in 2003, 13 months after he went missing.

But on Saturday Darwin walked in to a police station in central London and told officers: “I think I am a missing person”, a spokeswoman for Cleveland Police, the local force investigating the case, told CNN.

Few things are more suspicious than CNN’s punctuation but one of them is a guy who’s not sure he’s missing!

According to widespread media reports, Darwin told police that he did not remember where he had been for the last five years.

He was later reunited with his two sons, Mark, 31, and Anthony, 29, who released a joint statement saying the reappearance of their father was “a huge shock.”

The statement said their mother, Darwin’s wife Anna, who is believed to have moved to Panama last month after selling the couple’s home in Seaton Carew, had also been informed of the news and “was delighted to hear it.”

That’s Wifespeak for “I am SO going to kick his ass for what he did to our kids.” Oh, and Darwin’s dad’s going for the belt!

Darwin’s 90-year-old father Ron said the last time he saw his son was just a few days before he went missing, he told his local newspaper, the Hartlepool Mail.

“The people were in to put in a television and he was round for a chat, but the house was full. He said ‘tell you what dad, see you later,’ and I said ‘cheerio’ and that was the last time I saw him,” the newspaper reported the father as saying.

His father said he was looking forward to seeing his son and giving him “a nice hug and kiss.”

I have said that depression and medication wiped clean my memory and dropped at least four years of my life down the rabbit hole, and let me tell you: that story is often greeted with blank looks. This guy is in trou-ble! But back on Planet Claire, where you and I can check our wallets and know where our mail’s being delivered, a friend of Poor Impulse Control recommended Kiva.org and volunteered to try it out. You remember Kiva:

Kiva lets you connect with and loan money to unique small businesses in the developing world. By choosing a business on Kiva.org, you can “sponsor a business” and help the world’s working poor make great strides towards economic independence. Throughout the course of the loan (usually 6-12 months), you can receive email journal updates from the business you’ve sponsored. As loans are repaid, you get your loan money back.

Our test philanthropist reported over a month ago that his loan had already been repaid. He was startled by the rapid repayment and pleased with the whole experience. I’m sorry I neglected to account for results. You understand. I’m daydreaming of hibernation and dancing pic-a-nic baskets.

From the nerdacious circles in which Mr. Wintle travels comes this wild vision of a better future: One Laptop Per Child. The mission:

OLPC’s mission [ed’s note: See? They have one!] is to provide a means for learning, self-expression, and exploration to the nearly two billion children of the developing world with little or no access to education. While children are by nature eager for knowledge, many countries have insufficient resources to devote to education—sometimes less than $20 per year per child (compared to an average of $7,500 in the United States). By giving children their very own connected XO laptop, we are giving them a window to the outside world, access to vast amounts of information, a way to connect with each other, and a springboard into their future. And we’re also helping these countries develop an essential resource – educated, empowered children.

Wait, I have questions – !

From now through December 31, 2007, OLPC is offering a Give One Get One program in the United States and Canada. This is the first time the revolutionary XO laptop has been made available to the general public. For a donation of $399, one XO laptop will be sent to empower a child in a developing nation and one will be sent to the child in your life in recognition of your contribution. $200 of your donation is tax-deductible (your $399 donation minus the fair market value of the XO laptop you will be receiving).

For all U.S. donors who participate in the Give One Get One program, T-Mobile is offering one year of complimentary HotSpot access. Find out more.

Please be aware that we will make every effort to deliver the XO laptops by the holidays, but quantities are limited. Early purchasers have the best chance of receiving their XO laptops in time for the holidays, but we cannot guarantee timing.

I’m pretty bad at math. That’s why the unnamed university lets me play with money. I have to say the above description didn’t make as much sense as I’d hoped. Maybe Siobhan will type verrrrrry slowly and explain it to me. But about you:

Bring the light of learning to a child who would otherwise be left without adequate access to information and education with a donation of one or more XO laptops. A donation of $200 will pay for and deliver one XO laptop to a child in a developing nation, $400 will pay for and deliver two XO laptops, and so on. Your entire contribution will be tax-deductible.

That I understand. Give it a look, won’t you?

Previously on Poor Impulse Control, someone asked for help:

The following items are of great use to the deployers:

Black/brown t-shirts and black socks
crystal light packets
individual size beef jerky
nuts
energy bars
lip balm
sun screen
foot powder
baby wipes
hand/antibacterial soap
toothbrushes
floss
individually wrapped hard candy
phone cards
blank greeting cards/letter writing materials
sunflower seeds
assorted snack items

You can send some items, all these items, a case of any one kind of item. They will be grateful for what you send, regardless. Also: they especially want hand sanitizer and baby wipes.

Not on the list: I have heard that eye drops are also prized. Books are also great.

My contact with the program, who shall remain charmingly anonymous and not a person I made myself, says also:

We also have a program for our families called Operation Sweet Dreams. In this program the family member sends us a digital photo, we transfer to a pillowcase and the family gives to the deployed member to take with them or is sent to the deployed location. With that we would need plain white pillow cases.

Donations can be dropped off or mailed to:
Airman & Family Readiness Center
706 Washington Ave
Bldg 10122
Vandenberg AFB, CA 93437

Right after that, minstrel and I gabbed about the truffle shop he’s going to open, the sun came out and birds sang. You were overwhelmed with holiday spirit and mailed off a case of sunflower seeds and Crystal Light. I ordered this for my alleged future grandson. What? Thought I wouldn’t? Gabba gabba hey, dude. But that’s all clouds in our coffee when we’ve got storms in the sugar.

Recently, a chain letter circulated asking folks to send cards to “A Recovering American Soldier” at Walter Reed “Home of Warrior Care” Medical Center. That may have been an excellent plan last year but this year: not so much. The Department of Defense apparently does not accept cards addressed to nobody in particular. Here’s their request for other kinds of help.

Thus, I don’t know what to say about Let’s Say Thanks, a project by Xerox. You pick a design drawn and colored by a child, write a message and Xerox sends it off to a serviceman or servicewoman. Perhaps Xerox has a list, we don’t know. No one answered when I wrote to this project’s contact email.

This past week, no one skittering past my cubicle has not complained about how fast Thanksgiving approaches. We are lucky in the sense that each of us has plenty to eat and in-laws to curse, but not everyone is. This year, food banks have struggled. If you can, please help a food bank, an outreach program or a soup kitchen. It’s never too late to set up a paper bag in your kitchen and drop a can into it each time you grocery shop. Your generosity matters. If your budget’s squeezy, you can still lend a hand.

Courtesy of Mr. Wintle, we find a fantastic new game combining words, hunger-fighting do-goodery and work-related time-wasting. It’s like the Superbowl of I’m Bored vs. This World Could Suck Less – and you’re painted up green!

Here’s the description – For every word you get right we donate 10 grains of rice through the United Nations to help end world hunger – and you want that! You can read all about how it works and learn about poverty and add your name to the One Campaign. It’s chic to care, and you’re so stylish I could just peeench you!

You pick the definitions. The advertisers fund the rice. Your boss wonders why your reports are speckled with five-dollar words. Let’s play.

Last night, Pete and I went to Costco because if one of something is good, I want eight, and Costco has that! It’s great for our care package project. You can participate almost without effort. See?

The following items are of great use to the deployers:

Black/brown t-shirts and black socks
crystal light packets
individual size beef jerky
nuts
energy bars
lip balm
sun screen
foot powder
baby wipes
hand/antibacterial soap
toothbrushes
floss
individually wrapped hard candy
phone cards
blank greeting cards/letter writing materials
sunflower seeds
assorted snack items

You can send some items, all these items, a case of any one kind of item. They will be grateful for what you send, regardless. Also: they especially want hand sanitizer and baby wipes.

Not on the list: I have heard that eye drops are also prized. Books are also great.

My contact with the program, who shall remain charmingly anonymous and not a person I made myself, says also:

We also have a program for our families called Operation Sweet Dreams. In this program the family member sends us a digital photo, we transfer to a pillowcase and the family gives to the deployed member to take with them or is sent to the deployed location. With that we would need plain white pillow cases.

Donations can be dropped off or mailed to:
Airman & Family Readiness Center
706 Washington Ave
Bldg 10122
Vandenberg AFB, CA 93437

Whenever I mention this project, minstrel and I have a charming conversation in comments about his plans to open a truffle shop, and while I’m desperate to hear more about these truffles I’m not yet eating, I can’t help but notice you Poor Impulsives make the crickets! crickets! sound about air-mailing to airmen. My feelings are not hurt! I read the stats, and I can see between 450-700 of you drop by every day for profiteroles at tea time. Maybe you’re just not the fussy “Me, too!” type: good for you! Without a word, you mailed off a six-pack of granola bars. I love you so madly I’d like to test my no-transfer lipstick: MWAH!

So there we were, tooling about the flavored water and juice aisle and Pete seemed restive and distracted.

Tata: So when you’re happy – hooray!
Or sad – Aw!
Or frightened – Eek!
Or mad – Rats!
Or excited – Wow!
Or glad – Hey!
An interjection starts the sentence right!
Pete: What – what are you singing?
Tata: Generally set apart from a sentence
By an exclamation point!
Or by a comma when the feeling’s not as strong!
Pete: You serenade me with punctuation?
Tata: I serenade you with Schoolhouse Rock. It’s the only reason I can multiply.

I pirouetted between the meatcase and the fresh seafood display. Nobody batted an eye.

Tata: See? Three six nine, twelve fifteen eighteen, twenty-one twenty-four twenty-seven, thirty!

Pete giggled as only very secure men and teenage girls can.

Pete: Let’s go look at cookies.

Last night at 10, my phone rang, a highly unusual occurrence on a night where House hasn’t just ended. My underwear said Wednesday, so I was both happy and confused. Tuesday Weld must never share a closet with Wednesday Addams or my cousin Monday, and for crying out loud, my name is Domenica. Who the hell is calling?

Daria and Mom have put the kids to bed and hunkered down with dessert.

Daria: I just wanna tell you I’ve introduced Mom to your friends Ben & Jerry.

I turn to Pete and hiss, “They’re hitting the dairy products pretty hard. This could take awhile.”

Tata: Whadja do?
Daria: Your friends Ben & Jerry make an excellent creme brulee ice cream, which we are mmmmmppphh mmmmmmuph slurrrrrrp eating right now.
Tata: What about my friends pinot & grigio? Cozying up to them, too?
Daria: Absolutely. I made Mom sleep over because it’s still gin & tonic season. Thhhhhhhhhhp! Ahh! Refreshing!

In my mind’s mouth, the combination of tonic and caramelized sugar makes me purse my mental lips, but who am I to judge? I spent the next 20 minutes listening to Daria coax her husband Tyler to have some ice cream with the soothing chant, “…healthy teeth and bones, sweetheart, healthy teeth and bones…” This morning, I went looking for an image of the aforementioned treat and came across a San Diego bulletin board discussion of the product that was so filled with Limbaugh-tinged invective that I felt impelled to mention this important idea: there really are times to just zip it with the pointless and inflammatory rhetoric. I think less of a person who feels that a discussion of new and interesting ice cream products is a fine place to drop an unsolicited and fact-free assessment of MidEast peace prospects, and caramel. Well, maybe not the caramel. But if you’re not going to sample the aforementioned dairy treat because it’s made by people who treat each other decently, well, that’s your decision but do us all a favor and find something to talk about that doesn’t confirm to the bbs-reading public that you are a selfish, ignorant, ill-informed bastard who has never formed an independent opinion and doesn’t give a shit about another human being except Rush. I was interested in the fucking caramel crunch swirl!

But enough about me, what are you doing about holiday cards?

It’s that time of year when people you like and people you can’t remember will send you greeting cards revealing every intimate detail of pottytraining and festive mortgage refi. Let’s save ourselves the stress of trying to figure out how they got our addresses, shall we? If you’re the card-sending type, UNICEF can help with eye-catching cards, easy-to-mail gifts and that warm feeling that comes from knowing distant cousins won’t catch you off-guard again this year! Many items are handmade by collectives that do real good in parts of the world where it would be easy to think little good can be done. Have a look at the catalog and fear no flaunty PTA mom!

Myself, I haven’t bought ice cream in years. After this morning, I believe I might.

Update Yes! I know! That’s why it’s funny.

The Libraries of Middlesex County, NJ collect new books for children for the December holiday season. This program, Books to Keep, has distributed over 120,000 books since it began in 1990. Over 40 social services participate in this program including soup kitchens and homeless shelters. The libraries also collect money to support this program. For example, a check for $25 buys eight paperbacks for a child. Please make your donation prior to December 15th.

Contact:
Patty Simmonds at Piscataway Public Library who helps to coordinate this program. Please call 732-463-1633.
Leah Wagner, at Monroe Township Library, is the Chair of the Books to Keep program for the Libraries of Middlesex County. The Library may be reached by telephone at (856) 629-1212.

Also, because you’re a good egg and care about the welfare of others, please click here and click again where the site tells ya. You’re doing a good thing, Tex.

The Books To Keep program is in my own county, but yours may have a similar program. Please give your public library a call. They may need your help.

This gorgeous image came courtesy of Mr. Wintle, with whom I share a fond interest in astronomy and miscroscopy – things great and small. This is a microscopic view of frost on a blade of grass. It thrills me. When I look at this picture, I make noises only dogs can hear.

Also via Wintle: Kiva, where you become a banker and a cheerleader. From the About page:

We let you loan to the working poor

Kiva lets you connect with and loan money to unique small businesses in the developing world. By choosing a business on Kiva.org, you can “sponsor a business” and help the world’s working poor make great strides towards economic independence. Throughout the course of the loan (usually 6-12 months), you can receive email journal updates from the business you’ve sponsored. As loans are repaid, you get your loan money back.

They’re generous with quotation marks, but let’s move on, shall we? Kiva’s got diagrams:

We show you where your money goes

Kiva provides a data-rich, transparent lending platform for the poor. We are constantly working to make the system more transparent to show how money flows throughout the entire cycle. The below diagram shows briefly how money gets from you to a third-world borrower, and back!

It’s a really interesting concept. Currently, you can only invest $25 because, the site will tell you, publicity brought Kiva more investors than Kiva expected, though it doesn’t look that way when you survey the individual loan cases.

I like this idea very much. It builds on the practices of 2006 Nobel Peace Prize for Economics winner Muhammad Yunus and the Grameen Bank. If you are not familiar with the Grameen Bank, I would urge you to read up. It’s a genuine reason to believe one person can make a big difference in the world, and, you know, you’re one person.

Slashdot: The Daily Mail reports that thousands of rubber ducks who have traveled the seas of the world since 1992 are about to end their journey.

After escaping out of a container fallen off a Chinese freight ship in a storm, scientists have been followed them on their fifteen year trek. This has turned out to be an invaluable source of information for studying ocean currents. Now it seems inevitable though that they will finally land on the shores of South-West England. ‘[Oceanographer Curtis Ebbesmeyer] correctly predicted what many thought was impossible – that thousands of them would end up washed into the Arctic ice near Alaska, and then move at a mile a day, frozen in the pack ice, around their very own North-West Passage to the Atlantic. It proved true years later and in 2003, the first Friendly Floatees were found, frozen and then thawed out, on the eastern seaboard of the U.S. and Canada. So precious to science are they that the US firm that made them is offering a £50 bounty for finding one.

Apologies: I misplaced the URL for this blurb, but let’s look at The Daily Mail.

THE JOURNEY SO FAR:

10 JANUARY 1992: Somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean nearly 29,000 First Years bath toys, including bright yellow rubber ducks, are spilled from a cargo ship in the Pacific Ocean.

16 NOVEMBER 1992: Caught in the Subpolar Gyre (counter-clockwise ocean current in the Bering Sea, between Alaska and Siberia), the ducks take 10 months to begin landing on the shores of Alaska.

I am SO HAPPY.

EARLY 1995: The ducks take three years to circle around. East from the drop site to Alaska, then west and south to Japan before turning back north and east passing the original drop site and again landing in North America. Some ducks are even found In Hawaii. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) worked out that the ducks travel approximately 50 per pent faster than the water in the current.

1995 – 2000: Some intrepid ducks escape the Subpolar Gyre and head North, through the Bering Straight and into the frozen waters of the Arctic. Frozen into the ice the ducks travel slowly across the pole, moving ever eastward.

2000: Ducks begin reaching the North Atlantic where they begin to thaw and move Southward. Soon ducks are sighted bobbing in the waves from Maine to Massachusetts.

2001: Ducks are tracked in the area where the Titanic sank.

My heart will go on!

JULY TO DECEMBER 2003: The First Years company offers a $100 savings bond reward for the recovery of wayward ducks from the 1992 spill. To be valid ducks must be sent to the company and must be found in New England, Canada or Iceland. Britain is told to prepare for an invasion of the wayward ducks as well.

Duck validation!

2003: A lawyer called Sonali Naik was on holiday in the Hebrides in north-west Scotland when she found a faded green frog on the beach marked with the magic words ‘The First Years’. Unaware of the significance of her find she left it on the beach. It was only when she was chatting to other guests at her hotel that she realised what she had seen.

What a moron!

Science is just adorable.