I’m packing to go back to Virginia again. The catsitter’s coming tomorrow to adore Topaz and Drusy in my mournful absence. Tonight, I went to pick up snacks at the Extortion Mart across the street from the family store while Anya closed up. A six of San Pellegrino, carrot sticks and Sun Chips later, I found myself flummoxed in front of the toilet paper again when there wasn’t a single recycled paper product on the shelves I’d complained held too few. Ten minutes later, Anya met me at my car a little flustered.
Anya: Where’d you go?
Tata: I had to throw a giant hissyfit, and those take time.
Anya: What happened?
Tata: I can’t believe it! In that store, in March 2008, I didn’t find a single recycled paper product in that aisle – not a napkin, not a tissue, not a paper towel, not a single roll of toilet paper. In 2008, there’s no excuse for this.
Anya: You’re not the only one who has this talk with them.
Tata: I marched to the checkout line but two people were at the courtesy counter so I turned around, interrupted their conversation and described my umbrage. I was umbrageous!
Anya: Is that a word?
Tata: Of course not, so it’s not a cliche!
Anya: Did they say anything or did they hold still and hope you don’t bite?
Tata: The one guy said he was a new manager from Somerset where they have lots of recycled products. I corrected him by saying there’s a recycled product ghetto that was inadequate but better than nothing. Anyway, he looked really surprised so he went to look for himself. Fortunately the Express Line wasn’t moving so when he got back he said I was right but he had the decency to look confused.
Anya: Are you inhaling at all? Because I haven’t seen you breathe for a few minutes.
Tata: He said it’s a small store. I said that makes it worse because people walk to the store but then they have to drive two towns away for recycled paper and what’s that mean?
Anya: Dead dinosaurs weep!
Tata: He said corporate in Massachusetts made the decisions. I said they’d already heard from me, and I was fully prepared to have a conniption up and down the East Coast.
Anya: We buy our Marcal products at Costco.
Tata: Really? I’ve never found them there!
Anya: We buy them for the stores and our houses at Costco.
Tata: I’ll look again. Anyway, I couldn’t believe it. I just couldn’t believe it and I couldn’t even shut my mouth! Hey, did I drive by your house? I can’t tell when I’m nearly hysterical.
Anya: No, it’s actually two ahead.
Tata: Your block has nine houses. Yet I can’t pick out the one in the middle.
My campaign of letter-writing terror begins anew Monday.