Quick! Press pause on the video below. We’ve got to TAWK.

I have been watching the ABC soaps for decades with love and loathing. Sometimes they’ve truly sucked out loud, but there have also been moments of genius. This is not one of those.

Last week, this video prefaced each of the ABCsoaps on Soapnet for at least two days, and it was hyped for at least a week in advance. One Life to Live recently ran an often accidentally hilarious three-day musical extravaganza that highlighted one of life’s painful truths: a lot more people think they can sing than can. Trouble is always afoot, however, when people around the can’t-singers quit blabbing the truth and someone strikes up the autotune.

Go ahead. Press play on that video now, because there’s more to talk about besides your rattling dentalwork.

See, I don’t care if someone else can’t sing, but I care a great deal when someone’s made assumptions about me. This video assumes that when I look at people, I expect to see white faces. In this video, with a cast of about a dozen and a half, there’s one Latino and not a single Black person. Wait, what? Don’t the casts of those three shows include people of color? They often do. Sometimes. If you’re paying attention you can tell the writers lose interest in Black characters on a regular basis, but to set up this video and fail to include even a single Black cast member cannot be an accident.

ABC, you suck. I don’t know where you live, but where I live, I expect to look up from a bento box in a public place and see a sea of faces ranging from palest white to darkest brown and that’s normal. I notice shit like this. You assumed I believe whiteness is normal. Screw you, by the way, for thinking so little of me.

Plus, seriously, in this video, even the people who can sing can’t sing. Nothing gets out of production without committees signing off. How did you not notice?

Pete and I are bicycle racing fans. A couple of days ago, we DRV’d a stage of the Tour of California and watched it later the same evening. As the broadcast opened, it was raining cats and dogs in Santa Rosa and so severe was this rain the helicopters and planes following the race could not take off. The commentators apologized that they could not show the race, but it was just too dangerous to fly in the rain. I kept fast forwarding, but nothing different happened. After one hour and fifty-five minutes, suddenly the sodden cyclists appeared under an overpass, rode hell bent for leather around a corner and crossed the finish line. The commentators breathlessly explained who won and who had yet to cross the line. Pete and I stared at each other. The program was suddenly over, so we erased it and flipped to the Giro d’Italia, where it was also raining, and yet, we could see everything from an aerial view.

Sarah Palin:

A lot of people, I guess this New York Times reporter, they just don’t like that message of we being taxed enough and wanting to remind our elected officials of their constitutional limitations of big government, and just kind of get government back on the side of the people.

Grammar schools everywhere have found their cautionary tale.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha –

Alleging a plot to tamper with phones in Democratic Sen. Mary Landrieu’s office in the Hale Boggs Federal Building in downtown New Orleans, the FBI arrested four people Monday, including James O’Keefe, 25, a conservative filmmaker whose undercover videos at ACORN field offices severely damaged the advocacy group’s credibility.

Also arrested were Joseph Basel, Stan Dai and Robert Flanagan, all 24. Flanagan is the son of William Flanagan, who is the acting U.S. attorney for the Western District of Louisiana. All four men were charged with entering federal property under false pretenses with the intent of committing a felony.

An official close to the investigation said one of the four was arrested with a listening device in a car blocks from the senator’s offices.

– via C & L where – omigod, I can’t breathe!

Dave N.: Hmmm. Wonder how Andrew Breitbart and Glenn Beck – who have relied heavily on O’Keefe’s work to smear ACORN – will respond. One can only imagine the cries of persecution that will be erupting shortly.

One can’t help but be impressed by O’Keefe’s investigative-journalism technique. If only the rest of us poor schlubs had realized something O’Keefe obviously learned the first time around: You can get away with breaking the law if you can get it up on Fox News first.

I’m sure O’Keefe was banking on that this time around, too. Ooopsie.

Unfortunately, Jon Stewart fell for this shit. It’s time for him to retract The Audacity of Hos.

I learned everything I know about glam close up shots from Bruce Lee movies.

Recently, video of that radio comedy troupe I was in turned up on YouTube. The videos are of shows we did while working up new material for the radio show or because we were too bleary to refuse a request. Sometimes they’re funny. Sometimes they’re true dogs. This is all from a time just before I lost my memory, so I don’t remember a whole lot about it except that when the wild ride ended suddenly, I felt lost without the constant companionship.

Even so, the past is the past. I kind of wish it had stayed there, but history is fluid. Sometimes history shows up whether you like it or not. You know who should feel my pain? Jim DeMint – he won’t even notice, and that should be funnier.

As aid trickles into Port-au-Prince, I feel as if I am watching a horror show I’ve seen before. In the days after the levies broke in New Orleans, one of my co-workers quietly asked if I thought help was slow to arrive. I said I was sure of it. Her son who had flown many rescue missions with the Air Force, had told her it took time to coordinate a large operation. I told her she should not expect to see President Bush exert himself on behalf of black people, even Americans, so imagine my surprise when I read this:

Obama enlisted the help of former President Bill Clinton, a Democrat who is already a U.N. special envoy for Haiti, and former President George W. Bush, the Republican who preceded Obama in the White House.

They agreed to a request from Obama to lead private-sector fundraising efforts, issuing a joint statement expressing deep sadness at the devastation and suffering in Haiti.

“In the days and weeks ahead, we will draw attention to the many ways American citizens and businesses can help meet the urgent needs of the Haitian people,” Bush and Clinton said.

Their effort will be similar to that performed by Clinton and Bush’s father, former President George H.W. Bush, when they led an international relief effort to help the recovery from the 2004 tsunami that swept South Asia and killed 226,000 in 13 countries.

Verrrrrrry interesting. Says Marcus Toussaint at Jack & Jill Politics:

A heady move on President Obama’s part. Clinton is having to slip the multiple jabs coming his way over his alleged “coffee” comments and, knowing politics as he does, had no choice but to say yes.

But the real coup de grace is getting the support of George W. Bush. Whether or not he feels he needs a mulligan, he needs one. Moreover, those who oppose Obama on Haiti and anything he wants to do regardless of whether it is actually good or not will have to do so knowing they are also throwing salt on one of their own. They’ll either have to call him a turncoat or find some way to justify his thug, which can’t be done without acknowledging Obama’s hand in it, though I’m sure they’ll try their darnedest to find a way.

If George W. Bush rescued kittens from a burning building I’d assume he force-fed them gold coins first and plans to use their carcasses as bedroom slippers. There’s not an altruistic bone in his body, and he would only do a service mission like this because even he knows he fucked up so badly history has shut the book on him.

On the other hand, a survey of comments on news sites shows that Limbaugh’s disgusting tirade has taken root. I won’t link to that. Scores of human weeping fistulas have turned up everywhere, urging Americans to turn our backs on Haiti. I won’t link to them either. However, as Toussaint says, the appointment of Bush to a relief mission in the face of crazy-racist wingnut disapproval is fascinating.

Bush cannot redeem himself. Watching him try against his every selfish instinct will be interesting. Absolutely riveting will be conservative response.

I’m making popcorn as we speak.

Dear Exo-Pro:

Just saw your TV commercial for the first time. Perhaps your neoprene cold weather face mask plays really well in the Midwest, but here in New Jersey, your products are just fucking dangerous. Wonder why?

This model, which you had the good taste to title EFFNBLACK, would certainly cause the wearer, unless he was effing white, a world of trouble. This mask is practically a signed confession if worn by a person with a tan, let alone an African-American, who would be safer in Klan robes in Milltown than in this while shoveling his driveway. But that’s not the worst of it.

Picture a college-educated gentleman –

You know what? Forget it. If you sell these in New Jersey, they might as well come with the phone number of a licensed undertaker.

I’d ask if you held stock in Taser, International but there’s not a cop within state lines that’s getting close enough tase. No. The wearer of your garment will skip the hospital and head straight to the morgue.

And speaking of effing white, this is your EFFHNWHITE model, which is guaranteed to cause local police departments to think burn patients are on the loose. I’m guessing you think by default, people are supposed to be white, but even white people aren’t white – unless they have pink eyes, which will definitely cause the local gendarmie to go all bang-bangy.

In conclusion, your product, while it may be efficient, logical and possibly supercool, is going to get my neighbors killed. Please rethink this in a wild hurry.

Kisses,

Princess Ta

Darwin Awards reward the stupid and foolhardy who sensibly off themselves without contributing to the gene pool with notoriety and ridicule, but when that’s not fast enough, there’s always Amazon’s customer reviews.

One glance at this patented lunacy and certain Christmas bestseller tells the average observer to wear a helmet while driving on the nearby interstate because district managers and real estate agents will soon be arguing with customers and the laws of physics at highway speeds, and it won’t end well. But don’t take my word for it! People besides me – people who probably finished high school in less than nine semesters – have also noticed something amiss.

The greatest thing ever invented!, October 26, 2009
By T. Meadows “TM” (WV) – See all my reviews (REAL NAME)
Wow is this thing great! I use it as a “mini-bar” when the friends and I go out to the bars. I can quickly fix multiple shots of tequila for myself and the friends as we drive from one bar to the next. We also discovered that if you place a pillow on top of it and turn on the cruise control you can catch quick naps on the interstate. If you swerve to the left or right the rumble strips on the road wake you up in plenty of time before you get into trouble. I can now take longer trips without being tired!

Also, i am now dating a midget and she fits nicely on the steering wheel desk which allows us to experiment sexually while driving. This thing is like WD-40 or duct tape, it is a million and one uses!

Tim, Tim, Tim! We call them Little People now. Rest up on the road, smartypants! Meanwhile, high in the skies:

These worked great in the cockpit for our tanscontinental flights!, November 4, 2009
By Linky’s Dad (Alexandria, KY) – See all my reviews
My copilot and I both used these during our “daily grind” transcontinental flights from San Diego to Minneapolis. We had to modify them a bit to fit snug against the instrument panels (when we bought them we didn’t realize the planes we fly don’t have steering wheels!), but in the end it did the job. With our laptops firmly in place we were able to focus our attention on what really mattered, participating in raids with our WoW clan. During our last flight we were so immersed in trying to take down Eranikus that we overshot Minneapolis by a full hour and a half before some annoying flight attendant interrupted us, babbling something about “FAA and F16 fighters.”

We’ll definitely use this product again at our next gig, whatever and whenever that happens to be…

Despite his propensity for non-standard punctuation and freelance spelling technique, that fellow seems sensible. I wish him luck in his further pursuits. Finally, we see that safe driving and those invention company commercials on late night TV don’t mix.

I loved this so much I got one for my 90yr old mother, October 29, 2009
By S. Kelly – See all my reviews (REAL NAME)
I loved my Laptop Steering Wheel Desk so much I got one for my 90yr old mother. She is an avid crossword puzzle fan and now she can work on them while she is driving back and forth from bingo at the senior center. One cautionary note be careful of those jerks that stop at yellow lights, my poor mother rear ended one and the airbag drove the desk back into her stomach which ruptured her spleen, well after a short down time I’m glad to say she is back on the road and cranking out those NY Times crosswords once again. Thanks Laptop Steering Wheel Desk you have made my mothers life more complete.

One suspects well-aimed barbs will not discourage humor-impaired shoppers from cooing and clicking and designating free shipping, because Uncle Skippy is on the road, isn’t he? And wouldn’t that just be perfect?