The Outside World Wipes Its Feet On the Welcome Mat

Bill emails from work, where he isn’t doing any:

Bill: Dan was on the phone with a colorful story about his attempt at the avoidance of jury duty. They called him in yesterday for jury selection, so he went in wearing his straw hat and bib overalls and deliberately made himself as scraggly as possible, and sat wild-eyed while they addressed the candidates as a group. His plan was to wait til they had the one on one interviews and then present himself in as maniacal way as possible. Unfortunately, they just said, “You twelve, you’ll do” and that was it.

Tata: I cannot believe I just read all those words in that order.

Bill: He said that even the twitching went unnoticed. He was all prepared to go into his “Bats! Bats! Bats!” routine where he sees imaginary bats and waves his arms as if to swat them wildly, had they gotten him on the one-on-one. Now he has three days of bullshit to sit thru. He’s not pleased…particularly at the prospect of having to deal with 11 other people, of which 9 are statistical shoe-ins for idiots.

Tata: WAIT. Are you saying Dan was impanelled? Dan, straw hat and all, is deciding someone’s fate? They didn’t see the look on his face and realize he’s dangerous to himself and others?

Bill: By the third day, the other jurors will kill him.

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From trowels to towels; Margot’s pet turns up forensic evidence of repairs and thievin’:

Paul and I went camping from Friday to Sunday…when I returned, Smoochie brought me a nice blue paper towel, it had some bits of earth clinging to it, but other than that, no special toppings: turpentine smell, bird poop or human blood. The following day, yesterday, I was at home during the day (taught a consumer class in the evening) and she brought me another paper towel. This was the clincher, it was a different shade of blue, though very similar. Then I noticed that my next door neighbor was having her water heater replaced, and there were some workmen buzzing around. I envision these daring daytime paper towel forays, the selective search, the stalking, concealment, lurking, the inevitable chase and finally the kill, then up to through the window to present it to mom. Some people get cards or flowers on mothers day.

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Paulie brought me a great tshirt from the Supersuckers show in New York last week. I would’ve gone but nobody gets back from these shows before 3 a.m. and I can’t do that on a school night anymore. In 2005, there’s just no such thing as going to work still drunk from a great rock and roll show the night before because the douchebags who didn’t cut school to see the Ramones now hold all the pursestrings.

I swear to you: I know a woman consulting a fertility specialist about a possible third pregnancy. She doesn’t seem to be getting pregnant when she wants to. This woman is very anxious and upset about it, and I don’t want to belittle her anguish. No, I wouldn’t do that – but I must. See, she got anxious and consulted the very expensive doctor without doing that thing most people do to make babies. In fact, she hasn’t done that thing most people do in over two years.

From her husband’s perspective, that right there has got to be the most effective form of birth control known to man.

2 responses to “The Outside World Wipes Its Feet On the Welcome Mat

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