Effect Follows Cause Until Cause Hears Its Mother Calling

Poor Brennan Hawkins. He’s the Utah boy who wandered away from a scout camping trip and went walkies for four days. Oh, he’s okay now. He was whisked from the Uinta Mountains, briefly hospitalized and sent home with the same problem he went started with: his stupid, paranoid parents. I’m not nominating myself for Parent of the Year where Miss Sasha might read up and recall a few things, but – like – the National Forestry Service ought to mail them a report card on their kids’ social skills training.

Mr. and Mrs. Hawkins,

You are SO GROUNDED! You ran up our credit cards for no good reason. Tell your children it’s a lousy idea to wander around alone at night but it’s perfectly okay to ASK FOR HELP. We expect an apology – and make sure your room is clean before dinner.

Don’t make me come up those stairs, you two,
Utah State Police


You’re about to say, “They were just trying to protect him from stranger-danger.” Don’t freaking bother. Stranger abductions are so few and far between we should tell our kids about them when we discuss how there’s no Tooth Fairy and in the same tones of voice. Try this:

You: Sweetie, don’t get in a car with strangers and don’t take candy from them, not even if they say I sent you. I’m glad you lost a tooth. Here’s five bucks to get started on your My Little Orthodontia Kit, huh?”

No, strangers are there to rescue kids from their parents, school administrators and six-fingered cousins. I’ve mentioned this before and it’ll come up again: we are in the grip of a mania called “Act Your Age While I Act Like a Big Baby.” Adults are visiting their fears on kids to such a degree Brennan Hawkins avoided rescuers and children are tasered in school and five-year-olds get cuffed to radiators.

For Christ’s sake, calm down. Your terrifying children beyond sense will not teach them to behave sensibly in an emergency. Get this picture soon. I don’t know how much longer I can be the Voice of Reason before the tranquilizer dart wears off.

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