I. My friend Dom was having the usual suspects over for dinner last night, and I was very perky about it. He was planning stewed pork and Spanish rice. I volunteered to bring vegetables. Saturday evening, I cut up cauliflower and two broccoli trees. Then I mascerated fruit and set up luxurious dessert yogurt with heavy cream to warm over night. By the time I went to bed I felt like I’d prep-cooked for an army of persnickety produce managers.
Section 1. The terms of the President and Vice President shall end at noon on the 20th day of January, and the terms of Senators and Representatives at noon on the 3d day of January, of the years in which such terms would have ended if this article had not been ratified; and the terms of their successors shall then begin.
Section 2. The Congress shall assemble at least once in every year, and such meeting shall begin at noon on the 3d day of January, unless they shall by law appoint a different day.
Section 3. If, at the time fixed for the beginning of the term of the President, the President elect shall have died, the Vice President elect shall become President. If a President shall not have been chosen before the time fixed for the beginning of his term, or if the President elect shall have failed to qualify, then the Vice President elect shall act as President until a President shall have qualified; and the Congress may by law provide for the case wherein neither a President elect nor a Vice President elect shall have qualified, declaring who shall then act as President, or the manner in which one who is to act shall be selected, and such person shall act accordingly until a President or Vice President shall have qualified.
Section 4. The Congress may by law provide for the case of the death of any of the persons from whom the House of Representatives may choose a President whenever the right of choice shall have devolved upon them, and for the case of the death of any of the persons from whom the Senate may choose a Vice President whenever the right of choice shall have devolved upon them.
Section 5. Sections 1 and 2 shall take effect on the 15th day of October following the ratification of this article.
Section 6. This article shall be inoperative unless it shall have been ratified as an amendment to the Constitution by the legislatures of three-fourths of the several states within seven years from the date of its submission.
When I first looked at this amendment my head hurt. Then I thought, ‘No, that’s sinus pain caused by falling barometric pressure or sudden shifts in reality.’ Blah blah blah live and dead presidents, succession, Congress shall assemble. We’re good here.
Sunday, I wanted to do a whole lot of nothing – and succeeded, when I should have been doing yoga or cycling around town or rewiring Kansas. To placate me, I cut open the box and started assembling a wall-mounted cabinet matching the armoire in the bathroom. As much as I love puzzles that yield furniture-y results, each now comes with a vexing rediscovery that ‘right’ and ‘left’ aren’t as natural for me as for the righthanded puzzle-solvers, and at some point in one of these exercises, I will find myself holding a screwdriver and trying to determine whether I am upside-down or right-side-up, and which way must I turn this screwdriver to secure the locking nut? And don’t think it’s so easy any fool can do it because this fool has to figure it out fresh on every go-round. My brain works differently than yours does. Quit growling. I adapt to your screwy righthanded, differently tall and otherly right-side-up world! Ooh, watch this little health film starring me, and my sister Daria’s tall, Republican, former Marine husband, whom I love to pieces:
Tata: Thank you for giving me the car. It’s great to step on a gas pedal and have something, you know, happen.
Tyler: Everything’s good?
Tata: I moved the seat all the way forward, tilted the steering wheel downward and lifted the seat up. I’ve never had a car that did that before. It’s fantastic. I can almost see over the dashboard.
Tyler: Almost? How do you drive?
Tata: I guess. Most people do. They call it ‘spatial awareness’ but they’re guessing.
Tyler: Why don’t you lift the seat higher?
Tata: Conflict with the solid object called the steering wheel.
Tyler: That’s just not possible.
Tata: Welcome to the World of Ta. I’ll be your host as we journey through life with a torso so short boobs and a belly look redundant…
I was pouring olive oil on herbed vegetables when the phone rang.