Tomorrow is Election Day and if you’re anything like me – and isn’t being like me every heart’s desire? – you can’t wait until the election’s fucking over. I’m sick of unbridled bad behavior. I can’t wait until votes are counted and verified. I want the mainstream media, which kisses the asses of maniacs and pooh-poohs the rational, to calm the fuck down. So I can. The campaign speeches, relevations of felonious acts and racist, sexist, homophobic chitterchatter is harshing my glamorous mellow. How am I supposed to be adorable with steam coming out of my fabulously adorned ears?
Section 7. All bills for raising revenue shall originate in the House of Representatives; but the Senate may propose or concur with amendments as on other Bills.
Every bill which shall have passed the House of Representatives and the Senate, shall, before it become a law, be presented to the President of the United States; if he approve he shall sign it, but if not he shall return it, with his objections to that House in which it shall have originated, who shall enter the objections at large on their journal, and proceed to reconsider it. If after such reconsideration two thirds of that House shall agree to pass the bill, it shall be sent, together with the objections, to the other House, by which it shall likewise be reconsidered, and if approved by two thirds of that House, it shall become a law. But in all such cases the votes of both Houses shall be determined by yeas and nays, and the names of the persons voting for and against the bill shall be entered on the journal of each House respectively. If any bill shall not be returned by the President within ten days (Sundays excepted) after it shall have been presented to him, the same shall be a law, in like manner as if he had signed it, unless the Congress by their adjournment prevent its return, in which case it shall not be a law.
Every order, resolution, or vote to which the concurrence of the Senate and House of Representatives may be necessary (except on a question of adjournment) shall be presented to the President of the United States; and before the same shall take effect, shall be approved by him, or being disapproved by him, shall be repassed by two thirds of the Senate and House of Representatives, according to the rules and limitations prescribed in the case of a bill.
Wednesday morning, we’re going to wake up in America, with the same friends, enemies and sweetener packets emptying grittily into suit pockets. I don’t expect miracles like the most corrupt Congress in history finishing its spin cycle steam-clean and lemon-fresh, but maybe we could blow-dart the rampaging cutthroats engaging in zero-sum legislating and toxic commentary. Ladies, gentlemen and Merry Maids, we’ve got real problems and killing each other won’t fix them. After we’ve weeded out Black Hats and tossed ’em into the hooskow, the rest of us have to grab up mops and start scrubbing like we mean it. You know why? Because when it comes down to it differences of opinion are good, and threatening to kill people who are different from you is a hate crime.
We have two metaphorical problems so far. One is genuine criminals are running our government into bankruptcy and killing people for no reason – at least none I can discern. The other is that the genuine criminals have loudmouthed lookouts on every corner making such a mess it’s hard to remember how nice a place this was before all the spitting. Tomorrow’s election won’t appoint a new sheriff but even if we get a vigorous streetcleaner, possibly with indoor/outdoor stinky bleach, we still have a third problem.
The mess will take decades to clean up, and some of it won’t scrub off. It will never come off if we pretend it’s not there, but denial won’t stop our creditors from calling in their markers, and it won’t prevent the dead from rising against us. There is a whole lot of bad economic news coming down the pike – really, really bad news. We are going to have to sacrifice for years to pay off our current spending problem no matter who’s in charge, and the voters have to realize nobody can promise anything different and keep that promise. So suck it up, already. Grab a sponge.
We have a lot of filthy, disgusting, slimy problems. We have a denial problem, a selfishness problem, a fuck-you-I’ve-got-mine problem, a screw-the-poor problem, a lying-liar problem, a war-for-hubris problem, a rewriting-the-Constitution problem, a torture problem, a no-bid-contract problem, a union-busting problem, a bankruptcy-law-favors-the-credit-card-companies problem, an empty-Treasury problem, a ruthlessness-against-defenseless-enemies problem, a mounting-casualty-count problem, a drowned-NOLA problem, a secret-appropriations problem, a no-fly-list problem, a Unitary-Executive problem, a Vichy-opposition problem, a borrowing-from-China problem, a domestic-surveillance problem, a consolidation-of-Church-and-State problem, an Our-Children-Left-Behind problem, a no-privacy-rights problem, a Jack-Abramoff problem, an Abu-Ghraib problem, a Terry-Schaivo problem, an unverified voting problem, a dismantling-the-middle-class problem, a falsifying-evidence problem, a race-baiting problem, a phony-immigration problem, an outing-a-CIA-agent problem, a global-warming problem, a inciting-to-endless-panic problem, a gutting-Social-Security problem, a pitting brother-against-brother problem, an anti-gay marriage problem, a can’t-fucking-trust-Congressmen-to-obey-the-laws-they-wrote problem, a stealing-medicine-from-everyone’s-Grandparents problem, a disavowing-science problem, a selling-off-the-National-Parks problem, a no-one-could-have-foreseen-fill-in-the-blank problem, a Darth-Cheney problem, a sell-off-the-ports problem, a new-and-mind-blowing-problem-every-day problem. Problems-I-can’t-remember problems. We’ve got problems. We’ve got 600,000,000 hands, if have two each, which some of us don’t anymore, and some of us never did. There is a whole lot of filth to muck out.
Fractured metaphors aside – because every heart’s desire is that quit tossing ’em crookedly into the air like juggled eggs – the only way to a shining future is together, through each other. I don’t believe for a minute you won’t swing that broom handle like a crowbar, but it won’t help. I’m not saying you should turn the other cheek while your opponent is still hauling off and hitting you, because some opponents will do anything to win, and don’t take your eye off him. I’m not saying anyone should expect cooperation from every quarter. That will never come. But please think about trying.