Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, beautiful princess who lived in a kingdom with all the modern conveniences like iPods and antibiotics, and everyone who saw her loved her, which meant her schedule was a little tight. Frankly, this princess could’ve used a nap and a cucumber masque. Wait, not this princess –
This princess. Doesn’t she look sleepy? Yes, she does. Well, you try holding down a job and wearing a hat measured in acreage, let alone keeping that gown out of the trash compactor. Our princess, however fatigued, tries to stay well-up on her civic responsibilities and over-the-counter cures, but we’re up to Article II of the Constitution, and our darling may feel a trifle anemic.
Section 1. The executive power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America. He shall hold his office during the term of four years, and, together with the Vice President, chosen for the same term, be elected, as follows:
Each state shall appoint, in such manner as the Legislature thereof may direct, a number of electors, equal to the whole number of Senators and Representatives to which the State may be entitled in the Congress: but no Senator or Representative, or person holding an office of trust or profit under the United States, shall be appointed an elector.
Despite advances in nutrition and agronomy, women like our beautiful, beautiful princess still face the mindless violence of “she’s a loose cannon” and “I hate her and won’t examine my motives.” Now that we have Nancy Pelosi ready to take over as Speaker of the House and Hilary poised to – I don’t know, do something, perfectly rational men have gone all Courtney killed Kurt on the public discourse, and it’s just so Bobby Riggs our princess may have a hard time restraining her urge to Billie Jean King. Honestly, boys! This fugue state is so 1970!
The electors shall meet in their respective states, and vote by ballot for two persons, of whom one at least shall not be an inhabitant of the same state with themselves. And they shall make a list of all the persons voted for, and of the number of votes for each; which list they shall sign and certify, and transmit sealed to the seat of the government of the United States, directed to the President of the Senate. The President of the Senate shall, in the presence of the Senate and House of Representatives, open all the certificates, and the votes shall then be counted. The person having the greatest number of votes shall be the President, if such number be a majority of the whole number of electors appointed; and if there be more than one who have such majority, and have an equal number of votes, then the House of Representatives shall immediately choose by ballot one of them for President; and if no person have a majority, then from the five highest on the list the said House shall in like manner choose the President. But in choosing the President, the votes shall be taken by States, the representation from each state having one vote; A quorum for this purpose shall consist of a member or members from two thirds of the states, and a majority of all the states shall be necessary to a choice. In every case, after the choice of the President, the person having the greatest number of votes of the electors shall be the Vice President. But if there should remain two or more who have equal votes, the Senate shall choose from them by ballot the Vice President.
On an ordinary day, our princess cares for children and aging relatives, takes care of a household, works outside the home and hopes the aging Crock Pot cord hasn’t become Fido’s new chew toy. We could cite economic data but our princess doesn’t have time to read it and consider its import – no, she’ll be lucky if she still has hair by dinnertime.
No person except a natural born citizen, or a citizen of the United States, at the time of the adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty five years, and been fourteen Years a resident within the United States.
In case of the removal of the President from office, or of his death, resignation, or inability to discharge the powers and duties of the said office, the same shall devolve on the Vice President, and the Congress may by law provide for the case of removal, death, resignation or inability, both of the President and Vice President, declaring what officer shall then act as President, and such officer shall act accordingly, until the disability be removed, or a President shall be elected.
The President shall, at stated times, receive for his services, a compensation, which shall neither be increased nor diminished during the period for which he shall have been elected, and he shall not receive within that period any other emolument from the United States, or any of them.
Before he enter on the execution of his office, he shall take the following oath or affirmation: – “I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”
Living happily ever after is no picnic, as nostalgic people everywhere will attest. “Those were the happiest days of my life,” they’ll say wistfully, when regarding a period of their lives that may look to the casual observer like a lovely year of mucking out stables. “But,” they’ll tell you, “it was the least shitty shit I ever mucked out.” Well, then. Cue the orchestra. Some people will look back on the last six years and say these were their best.
Our princess, on the other hand, knows that time and effort are an investment leading to a better future. Sure, those handprint paintings on the fridge are a bitch to store. Sure, being sticky and exhausted all the time and wishing people of all sorts would come to their senses already seems like the dullest struggle of your illustrious career. Our princess, like most human beings, adapts to whatever she has to. In this case, depending on her office, and while wishing for blissful repose, our princess may restore order in the Middle East or find joy in a peanut butter sandwich. The End is only the beginning.