Tata: Do you think I can leave? It would be conspicuous.
Auntie InExcelsisDeo: It sure did matter that you arrived!
Sandy: Mom! Did you hear what Karen said?
Auntie: No. What?
Sandy: I was standing right behind Domenica when she said hello to Karen. Karen said to these other people, “This is my new husband’s ex-wife!” The people behind me were all like, “That is so cute! The groom’s ex-wife is here!”
Tata: Try as I might, I can’t avoid the paparazzi.
Yes, this afternoon, the Fabulous Ex-Husband(tm) and Karen finally got married. Years ago, I promised the man patient enough to marry and divorce me that I’d never write about him, but you should know that if I were to write about him, I would only have great things to say, like that when we met he was so painfully shy it was almost rude to stare into his poolwater-green eyes and say, “No, I can’t go do what you told me, boss, I can’t remember if I have feet.” Yes, I fell in love with him at first sight and three months later, I stood on his desk and told him he liked me, too, which came as a surprise to him – until it wasn’t. Anyway, we have a better divorce than we had a marriage, which was my fault, and he graciously forgave me. He never left the family holiday table; it took a bit of adjusting all around when he started bringing Karen, who was at first startled to receive Christmas presents from the family’s lone Jew, but l’chaim! Fast-forward a few years: here we are in an Asian restaurant on Route 1 – surely you’ve heard of Route 1 – and the Fabulous Ex-Brothers-In-Law Louis and Ronny are positively beaming.
Louis: How are you?
Tata: I’m overjoyed! Yay! I kept telling him it was time to get married already because I wanted to be somebody’s first wife.
Louis: You are his first wife.
Tata: No, sweetie, until he’s got a second, I’m just the ex.
Louis: Well, you’ve got 38 minutes, then!
Tata: EEEEEE! New nomenclature!
Thirty-six minutes later, during the brief and effective ceremony, which in a moment of inspiration was placed in the buffet line, Louis frantically cut price tags off the wedding rings. At the 39-minute mark, the officiant had finally coaxed Karen to blurt “in failure and in triumph” without barking laughter and pronounced “husband and wife.” Louis looked over at me and tapped his watch. I did the New Adjective Dance! but it was close because I almost shouted, “IT’S ABOUT TIME!”
Ronny’s second wife Jan is his high school best friend. When I met her, she and Ronny were watching a p0rn film and couldn’t figure out whose body parts were whose. She had a family emergency and missed today’s festivities, but Ronny’s two sons from his first marriage were running around with their cousins. Ronny’s first wife and I hated each other, so now Ronny never fails to mention the obvious.
Ronny: Riva’s sorry she missed you.
Tata: I can’t bear to hear her name. It’s almost as jarring as her voice.
Ronny: Make sure you rub up against your nephews. She’s sure to smell you on them.
Oh, he’s serious. Before I left, Ronny pointed to his older son:
Ronny: There he is.
Tata: Hold still, cute boy.
I rubbed my forearm all up and down his.
Tata: Share that with your brother! She’s gonna scrub you with Drano.
Louis, three feet away, stopped breathing. Louis’s wife, who has never approved of me, suddenly smiled. So, everyone triumphed.
It must be noted that Miss Sasha made the wedding cake and it was gorgeous. With any luck, we’ll see photos pretty soon. In fact, Miss Sasha was the talk of the party. Everyone wanted to talk about the baby. Baby this. Baby that. Baby some other thing. I was more interested in other things.
Tata: So. Who are your new siblings?
Miss Sasha: That’s my new brother. He is totally cute.
Tata: He is cute.
Miss Sasha: That one in the purple is my new sister. The girl in the cream halter top is her girlfriend.
Tata: Your new sister is a lesbian? I’m so jealous!
Miss Sasha: Ha ha!
Tata: Do the dogs and cats get along?
Miss Sasha: It’s like a petting zoo with a kitchen island.
There was sushi, too.