A Most Peculiar Way And the Stars

It’s late August, when my job gets more serious and making a living requires focus, which would be great if I were serious or focused. Yesterday, my department head introduced me to the new Library Poobah as “our comic relief.” The new Poobah was young and smiling. I offered to tell her knock-knock jokes. Later, though, I’ll want tribute from her. I’m having a problem with a co-worker who – mysteriously – refuses to consider my happiness. I’ll break out the elephant jokes and ask the new Poobah to deliver a righteous smackdown. I’m focused on that, I guess.

Q: What’s the difference between elephants and plums?
A: Plums are purple.

You and I, we don’t ask much of one another. You want nothing less than the hot, syrupy distillate of my hilarious life in and out of yoga pants, served up in a gleaming vessel you can’t wait to hurl at something. I want you to get to the hurling, because of course it’s all about me. For instance, my co-worker asked me why she eats yogurt, and she is not the first one to ask. Let’s pause a moment while that sinks in.

Q: What does Tarzan say when elephants run through the jungle?
A: “Here come the plums.”
(Tarzan is colorblind.)

I just read a yogurt label to one of my co-workers to explain what she should look for on the next one. We were talking about the sugar content of yogurt, which is just silliness. Yogurt doesn’t need sugar and you’re sweet enough as you are, Sweetie. So there I was, pointing out the little logo that means her yogurt has active cultures and, yes, would help with that women’s problem, and how on earth did I become the person who answers questions when I ask questions all day every day? We can’t know for sure, but it might have something to do with that big box on my desk, and sculpted eyebrows that make me look curious.

Q: What does Jane say when elephants run through the jungle?
A: “Here come the elephants.”

In all humility, I’m only thinking of others when I say my happiness is all that matters. It’s in everyone’s best interest that I get what I want, whatever that is, don’t you agree? Of course you do. I’ll entertain the new Poobah. I’m a giver – practically selfless, even. Now, isn’t there a comment you’d like to fling? In other news: this shining vision may not be safe for work, but it’s some view.

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