In You Yet I Know You’ve Got

It took six years for me to work up the nerve to try MB’s Gingerbread recipe.

When you see into the loaf, the loaf sees into you.

You should totally not wait to try making it yourself.

I’ve Asked Myself How Much Do You

What the fuck is this?

Taliban to U.S.: End drone strikes in Pakistan, or no more polio vaccines

I’m an American woman in my forties. Thinking of the Taliban conjures mental movies of the brutal repression of women and endless tribal conflict and since there’s nothing I can do about any of this, I change the subject. If I can’t change the subject, I leave the room. Mere mention of the Taliban turns some normally rational Americans into frothing idiots, so I wasn’t going to read this article. CNN is like that friend you can’t talk to anymore because you can see the corporate crazy in his eyes, but we did have that one weekend in Rochester, so –

Taliban commander Hafiz Gul Bahadur made the decision on the vaccination ban after consulting with other Taliban leaders, according to the statement.

Bahadur commands the faction of the Taliban based in North Waziristan, the district Washington believes is the main safe haven for the Haqqani network and other militant groups fueling the insurgency in Afghanistan.

It’s not clear how Bahadur’s decree will impact the polio eradication campaign in North Waziristan or in nearby districts, where he doesn’t wield as much power.

It is widely believed that Bahadur is allied with the Haqqani network and provides shelter for the group in North Waziristan. The United States has pushed Pakistan to launch an offensive against the militant groups in North Waziristan, but Pakistani military officials have resisted, saying their troops are stretched too thin.

It’s not like we’re talking about real people or anything, right? What? We are talking about real people? That’s terrible!

In April, U.S. President Barack Obama’s chief counterterrorism adviser John Brennan acknowledged the use of U.S. drones.

“Yes, in full accordance with the law – and in order to prevent terrorist attacks on the United States and to save American lives – the United States government conducts targeted strikes against specific al Qaeda terrorists, sometimes using remotely piloted aircraft, often referred to publicly as drones,” Brennan said.

Everyone knows heavily armed toys are dropping bombs on bad guys. And some other guys. And their wedding guests. And neighbors who happened to be out for a walk at the time. And lots and lots of children. Everyone knows this. But but but: Taliban! Our good intentions! Grrrrrr!

“On one hand, the U.S. spends millions of dollars to eliminate polio, while on the other hand it kills hundreds with the help of its slave, Pakistan.”

Pakistan remains one of only three countries that have yet to eradicate polio.

The country’s polio campaign made headlines last year when a Pakistani doctor was linked to a CIA operation to verify Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts with a door-to-door vaccination campaign in the town of Abbottabad, where the al Qaeda leader was hiding before he was killed.

U.S. officials have said the plan did not work, but aid groups and Pakistani health officials have said the CIA’s alleged meddling with a vaccination campaign undermined Pakistan’s efforts to eradicate polio.

Bin Laden’s dead. I don’t know why we’re still talking about him. He’s so 2011. And it’s hard to be scared of the CIA after Bob Novak made us feel so sorry for CIA agents we all took them a casserole. Did you get your correct Pyrex back? Mine has Liz Cheney etched in the bottom with battery acid, which I guess was just lying around at her house. Anyway, this whole Pakistan escapade doesn’t make any sense and no one knows why heavily armed toys are flying around anyway because when you go all I give up, what’s with the bombs? many normally rational people get wild-eyed and extra frothy and can’t believe you’re not shitting your pants over imaginary terrorism. There is no talking to these people. Also: they smell.

A Taliban commander in northwest Pakistan has announced a ban on polio vaccines for children as long as the United States continues its campaign of drone strikes in the region, according to a statement by the Taliban.

“Polio drops will be banned in North Waziristan until the drones strikes are stopped,” said the statement, released Saturday.

“Almost every resident of North Waziristan has become a mental patient because of the drone strikes, which are worse than polio.”

Let’s tally up the score, shall we? The American populace needs new pants, the Taliban sounds rational, bombs are falling on people you can call on your mobile if you have the right phone plan, the survivors are losing their minds, American soldiers are killing themselves at an unbelievable rate, the military is chewing up our federal budget and polio – of all things – wins.

Did I mention the Taliban sounds rational?

With You But You Are Not With Me

Via Angry Black Lady Chronicles, get a load of this shit:

House Republicans prohibited state Rep. Lisa Brown from speaking on the floor Thursday after she ended a speech Wednesday against a bill restricting abortions by referencing her female anatomy.

Brown, a West Bloomfield Democrat and mother of three, said a package of abortion regulation bills would violate her Jewish religious beliefs and that abortions be be allowed in cases where it is required to save the life of the mother.

“Finally, Mr. Speaker, I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but ‘no’ means ‘no,'” Brown said Wednesday.

Brown’s comment prompted a rebuke Thursday by House Republicans, who wouldn’t allow her to voice her opinion on a school employee retirement bill.

“What she said was offensive,” said Rep. Mike Callton, R-Nashville. “It was so offensive, I don’t even want to say it in front of women. I would not say that in mixed company.”

Brown’s comments were published in Thursday’s Detroit News.

Majority Floor Leader Jim Stamas, R-Midland, determined Brown’s comments violated the decorum of the House, said Ari Adler, spokesman for the Republican majority.

“If I can’t say the word vagina, why are we legislating vaginas?” Brown asked Thursday at a hastily called Capitol press conference. “What language should I use?”

Brown noted “vagina” is the “medically correct term.”

As you may be, so I was inspired to dash off a letter.

Mr. Callton,

Women have vaginas. We talk about them. We use them to start families and for fun. Having a vagina can be fully awesome.

If you think they’re icky or unmentionable, you certainly shouldn’t get to regulate vaginas. That’s ridiculous. In fact, if you look at internet, you are the subject of fantastically funny ridicule, which is delightful. Laughing at men who can’t bear to think of vaginas is great sport. But no, you absolutely have no business going near a vagina.

Seriously, stay away from vaginas if you’re that squicked out. No vagina for you!

Sincerely,

Tata
Vagina! Vagina! Vagina!

I considered paraphrasing Caesar, but that gooey Latin verb joke would just puzzle the guy having trouble with nouns. But not you. And you know what to do.

In the Sycamore Tree Dream A Little

A kind of drusy you can buy.


After work today, I was unpacking my bookbag while Pete and Drusy looked on. Slowly, he said, “Which of the little black cats is that?”

“It’s Drusy,” I said, annoyed that he didn’t recognize the tiny cat that often sleeps on his chest. “Of course.”

He scratched her neck.

“Where,” he asked her, “is your little necklace?” Panicked, I searched the house and didn’t find it. Did she decide to change her jewelry when it clashed with her summer fur? Did she get caught on something and the collar snapped open? Did she and her sister tussle over whose Justin Bieber posters would decorate the door? Did Drusy and Alexis Carrington ruin their designer outfits after a fight that ended in a pool? We don’t know and the cats aren’t telling.

However Do You Need Me

I’m a Pushy Zelda about adding fruit to every meal. Ordinary oatmeal becomes elegant with the addition of spiced apple. Your grilled cheese is junk food until you add sliced peach, avocado or tomato. Pork chops or chicken will thank you for cranberry compote or mango chutney. Eat some fruit!

“All right, Zel, geez! I’ve got fruit on every surface in my kitchen, but what do I do about the fruit that’s getting away from me?” Ah! You need a sturdy fruit bread recipe you can stuff with starting-to-turn stuff. The Joy of Cooking’s banana bread recipe is a good place to start, but exchange whole wheat for the white flour and add spices like cinnamon, ginger, cardamom and basil. If you do not have the Joy of, you have the good fortune to be sitting at the world’s largest encyclopedia of recipes and a great many savants offer their say-so most sagacious. In other words: look it up. You will find something you like.

Strawberry bread gives you the eye.

An hour and a half ago, fruit was your frenemy. Now fruit bread is your friend.