Go When the Wind Blows

Comfort me, oh casserole.

Some time ago, I realized Sweetpea was constipated. If you have not shared a house with a constipated cat, the first thing you’d notice is that your house mysteriously smells like ass. You walk around. You wonder where that ass is. You wonder whose ass smells like that and if it’s your ass and if that turns out to be your ass you vow you will take several showers, simultaneously if possible. But it’s not you. The cat has cat poop that will not leave its cat butt even as the cat travels around your house, sitting on things.

Yes. That’s right. Every surface in your house now requires disinfection, but first you have to fix the cat.

I tried getting her to drink water and fed her tuna water. Nothing. I read up and discovered Metamucil could help. Last night, during the snow storm, I found myself holding six cans of chunk light tuna in water and staring at the empty grocery store shelf where Metamucil would be when my cell phone rang and the vet said hello and asked how Sweetpea was doing! I told him I was pretty desperate and he said, “Canned pumpkin. The cats like it. It’s a little sweet.” He also recommended a warm compress applied to the affected butt, though I couldn’t picture that. Sweetpea took a few small nibbles of canned pumpkin in tuna water sauce and sent it back to the kitchen. She had the same thing for breakfast. At work, I worried and hoped and worried through the day; when I got home, I could see nothing had changed. There were just two possibilities: I was going to moisten a cat’s butt or pay someone else to do it.

I hatched a plan I didn’t like.

I filled the bathtub with warm water and tossed in about a quarter cup of epsom salts. I gathered Sweetpea in my arms, marched up the stairs and dropped her into the tub. She started climbing up me until I grabbed her in just the right way to dangle the back third of the fifteen pound cat in warm bath water while I nuzzled her neck and she made a terrible noise that came to my ear as, “NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!” We stayed like this for a minute, then another, then another, then more. When she got the idea to climb the side of the tub with her back paws, it was only a matter of time before she tried to climb me and I would require an ambulance, so I put her on the bathmat and drained the tub. She dripped, mewed. She ran downstairs and cleaned herself off. I went to the grocery store, determined to think about something else and vegetables, pasta, cheeses fit the bill.

Tata: When I got back from the grocery store, I found two giant gobs of poop on the kitchen floor.

Pete: Oh good!

Thus, the casserole. I required comfort, bleach.

In the Sycamore Tree Dream A Little

A kind of drusy you can buy.

After work today, I was unpacking my bookbag while Pete and Drusy looked on. Slowly, he said, “Which of the little black cats is that?”

“It’s Drusy,” I said, annoyed that he didn’t recognize the tiny cat that often sleeps on his chest. “Of course.”

He scratched her neck.

“Where,” he asked her, “is your little necklace?” Panicked, I searched the house and didn’t find it. Did she decide to change her jewelry when it clashed with her summer fur? Did she get caught on something and the collar snapped open? Did she and her sister tussle over whose Justin Bieber posters would decorate the door? Did Drusy and Alexis Carrington ruin their designer outfits after a fight that ended in a pool? We don’t know and the cats aren’t telling.

Promote the General Welfare And Secure the Blessings Of

I’ve been standing around with my hands stuffed in tighter and tighter pockets, waiting for my lungs to feel less furry after that bizarre plague while all around me spring is springing. The thought occurs: Hey, Princess, remember that time you blogged the Constitution? No? Well, maybe you should. Also: where’d you hide the remote?

So. In the fall of 2006, right before the site I was storing Poor Impulse Control’s images on went kerflooey, we undertook this undertaking, intended to enhance understanding.

Bill of Rights
Part 1, including yogurt
Part 2, including NyQuil
Part 3, now with less snot!
Part 4, and yodeling
Part 5, extra cringy

The Meaty Stuff
Part 1, hot and cold
Part 2, a painful history
Part 3, bubbles that scrub
Part 4, plus shape-shifting
Part 5, shiftless
Part 6, including Johnny
Part 7, perilous produce
Part 8, including Fifi
Part 9, with mood lighting
Part 10, costume drama
Part 11, with feelin’

Back to the beginning
Part 1, autumnal
Part 2, an IQ test
Part 3, hairdo and don’t
Part 4, cattle
Part 5, togetherness
Part 6, voterosity
Part 7, cat bath
Part 8, a pricy prize
Part 9, spiral
Part 10, cucumber
Part 11, organ music
Part 12, crackpottery
Part 13, most papery
Part 14, compulsion
Part 15, listy
Part 16, clam bar confab
Part 17, starboard
Part 18, Oscar

Omigod, it’s a miracle my laptop didn’t sustain friction burns!