Worried about the present, I’m knitting for the future.
As Sharp As Knives
Category Archives: Be What You Say You Are
And Say Your Life Is On Fire
Tomorrow, I start bicycle commuting again. It’s a huge step forward and I’m very excited about turning up at work, flushed and sweaty, on purpose!
Uh…okay.
Mom’s having more surgeries. I am sorry to be so scarce, but a gal can’t be both fresh air and Times Square without tearing her dancing shoes to shreds.
To Have Fun With Anyone
Here in New Jersey, you can’t go three feet without someone mentioning relief efforts because it is no exaggeration to say whole neighborhoods and a few towns along the New York and New Jersey coasts have been damaged or destroyed. We’re cooking or shopping or moving things from donor to donation center or looking for something specific. There are benefit concerts, dinners and drives. This is our life now, perhaps for some time. In related news: cats love reusable bags and Drusy is sometimes a cat.
The Ice Is Slowly Melting
Crossposted to Brilliant@Breakfast.
Chances Are Your Chances
The tiny town is staging a benefit for Hurricane Sandy recovery efforts. I baked carrot cakes and even got over myself enough to make cream cheese frosting with orange juice, which is goddamn delicious and annoying. New Jersey and New York were badly damaged by the storm and recovery will take a very long time and a metric buttload of bake sales.
If you are of a mind to volunteer in New York City or donate money or supplies, please consider assisting the ferocious efforts of the Occupy at Occupy Sandy.org. They are delivering food, heat, shelter and medical care to the people of Lower Manhattan and Queens and you can help.
The Keys To Your Ferrari
Before work every morning, I walk around in circles, read the toothpaste ingredients, try on three different coats, hunt for my keys. To offset this and get my shapely fanny to work reasonably on time, I lay out my clothes in the bathroom, make my breakfast and lunch and pack my book bag or paniers at night. Last night, I dropped my clothes on a shelf in the bathroom and skipped off to do something fanciful, because as you know I am pretty goddamn carefree. This morning, as I put on my shirt, the collar was wet. I hadn’t noticed, but the container of disinfecting wipes was open and through the magic of capillary action, liquid climbed out of the container and was now resting against my neck. Since overly clean was the exact opposite of dirty, I’m still wearing the shirt and my lemony freshness may or may not clash with my grapefruity eau de toilet. Fragrant!
Apropos of nothing, Joe Biden did exactly what I have been shouting from the rooftops must be done, specifically to Dick Cheney, but Republicans generally: undermine their authority and zhush their gravitas with a confident game of Point & Laugh. They can’t stand it when we can see the emperor’s union suit.
You Look Into the Future Never
To save what remains of what’s passing for my sanity, I would like to spend future September 11ths picking raspberries and baking bread, unless the Mayans were right and this time next year we’re nothing but space dust. I mean, imagine our chagrin then.
Is All I Need To Hear
A few days ago, my left hand started forming the alphabet – a, b, c, d, e – and my hand couldn’t think of f. F? Fucking f! I need that!
When I heard this song this morning, I knew – Ah! – I had forgotten this, too.
Days Were Different When You Counted Them
Aunt Florence.
Thou Shalt Not Quote Me Happy
When I start paying attention, everyone is already talking.
Tata: I’m bored.
Tata: You’re WHAT?
Tata: Now, that is a SHAME!
Tata: I object to that objection!
Tata: Look, we’ve got stuff to do. Shut up, crazy people!
Tata: Will this give me wrinkles? Because this had better not give me wrinkles!
Tata: Are you eating a cookie?
I may be thick-skinned, but it’s skin I’m aware I should be taking better care of, so I was not exactly surprised when last night someone sat on the couch chattering about useless crap and this morning, I slathered my epidermis with moisturizing goo. There, uselessness! Take your irritating, time-wasting chatter and begone! Two more goo-coats and I should be itch-free. In the meantime, I bet Jeff Bezos wishes for a hot tub full of cortizone cream.
When you ask Iris “is abortion wrong?” the Android app will answer:
Yes, abortion is wrong. The Lord has said, “You shall not murder,” (Exodus 20:13). The life that is growing within the mother is a child, a baby. The Bible looks at the life in the womb as a child. Thanks!
The blame, however, doesn’t belong to the company that develops Iris. At least not entirely, because you could also argue that they are ultimately responsible for the answers its app gives.
After its popularity explosion om[sic] the Android platform, Dexetra decided to partner with Q&A engine ChaCha to expand its search abilities. And that’s where the problems truly are. ChaCha—incidentally, a derogatory Spanish word for cleaning lady—is a company that is partially funded by Amazon’s CEO Jeff Bezos and founded by Scott Jones, the inventor of Gracenote, the music database that powers parts of Apple’s iTunes.
If you go to ChaCha’s website and ask the same question, you will get exactly the same answer. If you ask Iris “is abortion right?” then it will provide a more neutral answer: “Abortion is a tricky issue—whether it’s right or wrong should be up to the mother to decide.” But if you ask again if she’s pro-choice, she will admit that yes, she’s “actually pro-life”, arguing that “every embryo is a life and a miracle.”
Scratchy! We have blasted our way to a new and record-breaking depth when electronic devices now preach about the miracle of life. Look, life is not a miracle. A few million years ago, maybe it was. We don’t know. Now it’s a habit like smoking or thinking Bill Kristol is merely stupid and not evil. No, Bill Kristol is mostly evil with a spicy dash of stupid, just to change things up, and thinking he doesn’t mean what he says is one of those bad habits that protects us from understanding that lots of terrible people mean what they say and we are surrounded by them. Anyway, life: not a miracle anymore, if it ever was. Living things reproduce and they’re so successful at it that people on TV keep arguing that massive and mass-produced bombs are better at stopping reproduction than small, regular doses of chemicals. I mean, that’s what they’re saying, isn’t it? And now our phones say it, too, albeit in suddenly diplomatic terms:
Update: hours after this article was published, ChaCha is changing the answers to those questions and, I’m sure, frantically searching for others. That’s good ChaCha, as good as the fact that we have all the captures and video with their old answers. Here are some of ChaCha’s new answers, as reported by readers:
Is abortion wrong?
Many people believe abortion is wrong because their God teaches that all human life is sacred. However, many people believe that it is wrong to bring a child into the world if the parents are unfit due to drug problems, financial instability, or if it was a result of rape or incest among many other reasons. I believe it is a personal choice. You must do what you believe is right. It may be best to talk with family, friends, counselors, or a religious leader before making any decision.
Is rape ever justified?
No, I do not think so. You might devise a justification in your mind, an unenlightened culture might condone it, but justifying sexual physical violence against another human is always wrong.
Many other people believe that a woman should bring a child into the world when she’s good and ready and nobody else’s opinion matters. Many believe sex can be fun and interesting and a delightful way to clear the complexion and who’d want to fuck people that don’t, anyway? If you need an app to tell you right from wrong you’re already lost.
And, yes, it was a Girl Scout cookie.
Poor Impulse Control 