The Only Thing I Could

Tata: Hey! When I got here this morning, there was a ball of yarn on my desk.

My cellmate: I found it when I was cleaning out my guest room. It’s even got one of those hook things. You want it?

Tata: Sure. It’s not your yarn, is it?

My cellmate: No, I don’t knit or whatever.

Tata: And you don’t know where it came from or why?

My cellmate: No idea.

Tata: This confirms my theory, you know.

My cellmate: You have a theory?

Tata: There’s a ball of yarn in every house. No one knows why.

My cellmate: Interesting. I expected more cheese.

every house

Best But I Could Do Without

Perhaps you remember these among my many antics:

Okay. Okay. Okay: we’re sitting in the car on the way home and I burst out laughing.

Tata: Omigod, I forgot to tell you something.
Pete: You like my rugged good looks?
Tata: Pffft! Like I shut up about that. Remember I took a shower for about a year before we went out?
Pete: I remember.
Tata: And remember that I’ve been glum about my hair for weeks?
Pete: How could I forget?
Tata: And I’ve been putting my hair up in a ponytail to avoid dealing with it?
Pete: I’m still snickering. I mean, sure.
Tata: And since I got sick I’ve been complaining I could smell fever on my scalp?
Pete: Hoo boy, yes.
Tata: And you know how we bulk shop at Costco and use giant bottles of smelly goo?
Pete: Indeed I do!
Tata: Well, I was in the shower before and I washed my hair, and I was really frustrated because I couldn’t get the shampoo to lather, which I thought was because my scalp had suddenly become oily or something. So I washed my hair a second time and still no lather and I was just like, “What?” So finally I turned the bottle around and if you can believe it, I have been washing my hair for – like – six weeks with conditioner.

And then, when I expected him to drive off the road in stupefaction at my antics, Pete said the most extraordinary thing.

Pete: I know.

What?

Tata: What?
Pete: I was looking through the bottles on the shelves in the bathtub. There’s this stuff, that stuff, some other stuff and I said, “What’s she washing with?”
Tata: And you didn’t say anything?
Pete: Nooooooo. You’re mysterious.
Tata: I’m not mysterious, I’m – like – stupid.

Don’t panic! I’ve washed my long, luxurious blond hair, glazed it, conditioned it and come clean about this episode with every last one of my female co-workers, and at the end of the story, when they’re gasping at my ability to move about in society without a keeper, I can see they are mentally reviewing the products in their bathrooms.

So you will be unsurprised to discover ridiculous history repeating today.

Tata: Do you want to pick out conditioner?
Pete: No. Yours is just fine.

I had just recycled an empty bottle of conditioner so I made the puzzled face.

Tata: What conditioner?
Pete: The small container.

Mentally, I sorted through the products and came to a startling conclusion.

Tata: I’ve been washing my face with conditioner, haven’t I?

If no one has invented the in-shower reading glasses, I’ll get right on that.

And Back On the Road Again

This really happened:

Ex-Brief Beau: Hey Ta! Were you in the drug store yesterday? I thought I saw your butt.
Tata: I think my butt was with me the whole time and neither of us was in the drug store yesterday.
EBB: I thought I saw your butt.
Tata: My current butt or the butt I had when I had a great butt?
EBB: Your current butt. I thought I saw it.
Tata: Nope, my butt wasn’t in the drug store yesterday.
EBB: Thank god I didn’t say something and make a fool out of myself.