Two days ago, I found myself in a ladies’ room in the library, staring at the door handle and willing someone walking by to push the door open. It was entirely reminiscent of the harrowing scene in The Aviator in which Leonardo DiCaprio’s Howard Hughes can’t figure out how to leave a men’s room without contaminating himself. Unlike Hughes, I eventually opt to pull open the door and leave. Since I realize what I’m doing borders on The Crazy, I march straight to Emily’s desk. Emily is in charge of reporting things that need attention to people who will report these attention-needing things to other people who can pay them attention. Thus, I report to Emily that the door handle on the inside of the ladies’ room must be cleaned or I will lose my tiny little mind. Emily reports this to Imelda, who cleans the ladies’ room. The two of them scope the facility and to Imelda’s credit don’t find anything to clean inside the stalls; Imelda does a bang-up job. Emily asks me to show her what I’m twitching about so we walk over to the ladies’ room, where I kick open the door, duck behind it and point. Dutifully, Emily dashes off to find Imelda. Grownups have been informed and I stop thinking about it until the next time I drink 24 ounces of water. That’s good for me, you know.
Section 2. The judicial power shall extend to all cases, in law and equity, arising under this Constitution, the laws of the United States, and treaties made, or which shall be made, under their authority; – to all cases affecting ambassadors, other public ministers and consuls; – to all cases of admiralty and maritime jurisdiction; – to controversies to which the United States shall be a party; – to controversies between two or more states; – between a state and citizens of another state; – between citizens of different states; – between citizens of the same state claiming lands under grants of different states, and between a state, or the citizens thereof, and foreign states, citizens or subjects.
In all cases affecting ambassadors, other public ministers and consuls, and those in which a state shall be party, the Supreme Court shall have original jurisdiction. In all the other cases before mentioned, the Supreme Court shall have appellate jurisdiction, both as to law and fact, with such exceptions, and under such regulations as the Congress shall make.
The trial of all crimes, except in cases of impeachment, shall be by jury; and such trial shall be held in the state where the said crimes shall have been committed; but when not committed within any state, the trial shall be at such place or places as the Congress may by law have directed.
Imelda: I know just what you were talking about. That door looks disgusting, doesn’t it? It sweats oil.
Tata: The door…sweats? Oil?
Imelda: I know what you thought it was. It looked disgusting.
Tata: Well, okay but that’s not why I freaked out.
Imelda: I know what you thought it was.
Tata: I’m so sorry – I know this sounds crazy. Ever find yourself in the ladies’ room when it was crowded? Sometimes you see someone walk out of a stall and head straight for the door without washing her hands?
Imelda: People are pigs. You’d be surprised what I find in those stalls.
Tata: So the other day, a whole bunch of girls didn’t wash their hands and each one of them grabbed that handle and left the bathroom and I couldn’t leave without touching that handle.
Imelda: Pigs! Anyway, it’s clean now.
Tata: Can’t say as much for the yucky people.