Life is full of accidental discoveries. Horoscopically speaking, today you will wish to shower me with flowers and Porsches, but it’s Wednesday so I expect that. A few nights ago, I happened to look up at the TV when the phone rang. I can’t explain that. It was Siobhan on a rampage.
Tata: Cable phone service appears to give me caller ID now. It came up on my TV so you’re the star of One Life to Live. This is better than an hour ago, when I thought my sister Daria was on American Justice.
Siobhan: That shirt said, PRACTICE SAFE SEX. GO FUCK YOURSELF! Spencer Gifts sells them. I’m right about this and I need you to tell me I’m right.
Tata: Please. Go practice safe sex.
It’s been plain for some time that I would make a terrible witness because my brain rearranges things but this is ridiculous. I repeated the shirt’s message over and over to Siobhan while we were in Macy’s. In case you haven’t noticed, the word FUCK doesn’t offend me, so the t-shirt she describes wouldn’t have bothered me. No. I was offended by vomitrocious misogyny and disdain for his sex partner(s). Still, I can’t prove any of it beyond that I bought four bras. I have receipts!
Monday, Stop & Shop called me at work – well, a very nice lady with a musical voice and a gently jumbled Boston-Midwest accent called, stammering. I was immediately amused that someone took my letter so personally.
Tata: Domenica speaking.
Nice Lady: Is this Domenica LongItalianLastName?
Tata: Domenica speaking?
Nice Lady: Domenica, this is Mrs. SoAndSo from Stop & Shop Customer Service. I’ve read your letter – several times, actually, and I just couldn’t write a response to it.
Tata: I didn’t really expect a response but it’s funny to hear from you.
NL: I couldn’t write a response to it. Literally. I tried! But then I just had to call you and find out –
Tata: If I were a real human?
NL: Well, yes –
Tata: And if I carry a tune in a bucket?
NL: That, too.
Tata: I’m as real as imaginary friends get.
There followed a sort of apology from Mrs. SoAndSo for my unsatisfying shopping experience, which wasn’t at all what I was after when I wrote. I think. As we see above, my crappy memory may be worse than previously imagined, so who knows what I was thinking?
Tata: While I have you on the phone, I would be remiss if I didn’t discuss the recycled paper products situation. It’s intolerable.
NL: We have people in house working on that situation and –
Tata: In your stores, if there is one brand of recycled paper products it is Seventh Generation, which is a good brand. But why is there only one brand? Marcal products are manufactured in New Jersey and you don’t carry them. Considering the amount of fossil fuels used to drag these things around the nation’s highways, it seems like a natural for you to want to sell Marcal here at least. But why is there only one brand in your stores, and presented as an afterthought at that?
NL: That sounds very reasonable.
Tata: Obviously, a situation is way out of control when I sound reasonable. That store in my town is every bit as bad as I said it was. And please, when you send someone to go check don’t use my name. It’s a small town and my neighbors will come visit me.
NL: Don’t use your name?
Tata: God no. I’m not using my Stop & Shop card anytime soon. Just so you know.
NL: Please accept my apologies for the rotten grapes. We’re going to get a regional manager in there. We hope to improve everything you mentioned. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Tata: That reminds me: I better go buy a shovel.
NL: Is it snowing?
Tata: Not that kind. But thank you!