Yesterday, I reported that lately fellow employees at the unnamed university have been resisting my naïve charm. I can scarcely believe it, but attend:
Mr. [Pool Schedule-Setting Guy],
I’ve been an unnamed university employee since dinosaurs roamed the earth. At some point in the future, when we all ride around in jet packs, I’m going to need a hip replacement. To train for it, I’d like to stand in a pool filled with four feet of water and walk for half an hour every morning. Since I work across the street in the library, I’d like it to be in your pool.
You’re about to recommend I go to another campus. Thank you, but no. I have no occasion to go to any other campus and for most of the year I commute to work by bicycle. Going to another campus would eat up all time I have to be in the pool, walking.
You’re going to recommend I take swimming classes. I do not need or want them. I do not need to swim. I do not need company or direction. Further, my mother taught swimming on a different campus in the seventies and I spent every Saturday in that [stinky] pool. I don’t miss it.
So what do you say? Should I buy a ridiculous Hello, Kitty! swim cap covered with plastic flowers and show up at 7 a.m. on Friday?
See how charming I am? I am freaking charming!
One major problem…
The [pool of my dreams] ranges in depth from 8 to 10 feet. I know you don’t want to come to [the pool far, far away], but the variable depth pool over here is perfect for what you are asking. What are your thoughts?
He seems nice, but he’d be a lot nicer if he just said I could have anything I wanted! I WANT THAT.
While it is true that I’m seldom 9 feet tall without an ego problem, I’m afraid that [the pool far, far away] is [far, far away]. Bicycling over there from [where I live] would mean dodging very serious traffic. On the other hand, getting hit by a bus would probably solve ALL my problems, I suppose.
Check your pockets, Mr. [Pool Schedule-Setting Guy]. You’ve got a pool [across the street] for me. Unless that’s actually lint.
At this point, you should remember that most people do not talk like me.
Re: pool accessibility I’m not sure I understand your last message. “Unless that’s actually lint”?
What pool are you talking about?
The pocket pool. I mean lint. See what I did there?
I suppose I meant inside your pockets. In some circles, my antics are considered amusing.
When dinosaurs roamed the earth or when I went to gymnastics camp in the gym in the seventies, there were two pools in the [gym across the street].
Writing tip: the writer has failed when she must explain her dementia is hilarious. Generally. But just in case you weren’t sure, the audience circles back and expects closure.
There is a tiny pool next to the main pool but it is only 2 feet deep and you would probably make yourself sick walking in such a small circle for half an hour. Have you considered the bike path that cuts through the park as an alternate route to [the pool far, far away]?
Yes, nausea as a route to improved health is a road lined with NO STOPPING OR STANDING signs. Ask any cancer patient. Thus I assured him I would keep asking for the same thing for the next 10-20 years and he should give in now.
In the meantime, I’m shopping for the most ghastly bathing caps to protect my glorious tresses.