Kick My Heels Up And

The Fair Fifi, all of five.

I.
Pete turned the corner and found me locked in a life and death struggle with insulated pants. He stood there for a few seconds, chewing over the idea that his lovely wife could be outwitted by textiles, then asked, “So…what’re ya doin’?” I quit struggling. There was nothing to do but pants myself and start over.

II.
People are so interesting!

III.
Yesterday, Miss Sasha posted on Facebook that she was dashing off to a taco meeting. Suddenly the problem with all meetings I’d ever attended was clear to me.

IV.
Three boxes arrived the other day from a friend in Trenton who knew me when I was Me. My friend had lost a friend who crocheted lap blankets for people in wheelchairs and this yarn was just sitting in my friend’s house for a year and a half. I put away two of the boxes to protect the contents from yarn predators who might be people who are cats, but the third box contained very large granny squares for the cat blanket project. I was speechless. Later, when I could speak, I told my friend I wouldn’t let her or her friend down.

Mine And I Got To Get

New vocabulary words: mall alps.

Oh how I love the Alba Botanica Coconut Milk Face Wash. I buy them two at a time in case I have to turn another cheek or something. So sue me! Anyway, Pete and I were tooling around the cosmetics aisles of the health food store and I stumbled on the Alba Botanica Terra Tints. I love lip balm but it lacks glamor. Lipstick is hard to keep on winter chapped lips. I picked the two colors pictured and carried them around the store, since I pictured myself dropping them into the shopping cart, then chasing them around on the floor. That didn’t seem glamorous either. The manufacturer’s product description:

Six luscious, long-lasting lip colors, TerraTints will beautifully tint your lips with a natural translucent glow. Zinc oxide provides chemical free sun protection with SPF 8, while nourishing, organic coconut and olive oils soothe and moisturize. Calendula, echinacea and organic peppermint rejuvenate and restore for healthy lip care.

100% Mineral Colors
Chemical Free SPF

Parkinglotterhorn.

The two lip balms have completely different textures. The Blaze (above) has a moist, creamy texture and a wonderful peppermint fragrance. It comes off on coffee cups, which I absolutely loathe. The bronze (left) is hard and a little tricky to apply to dry lips, but the bronze color is much more natural looking and stays on lips better.

I like them both, but I’d like to try a third color – for SCIENCE. Then I’d have three! I’d recommend these lip balms for light makeup, low-kissing situations.

My Eyes Can Dimly See

Donations arrived today. Drusy approves.

Years ago, when we were other people, we did things in public, where we could be seen. We were blind. We were not afraid. We should have stopped and thought, but we didn’t. Years ago, when we were other people, we did things in public, where we could be seen. We were blind together. We were not afraid. We should have stopped and thought, but we didn’t. Years ago, when we were other people, we did things in public, where we could be seen. We were blind together in our rage. We were not afraid. We should have stopped and thought, but we didn’t. Years ago, when we were other people, we did things in public, where we could be seen. We were blind together in our pointless rage. We were not afraid. We should have stopped and thought, but we didn’t. Years ago, when we were other people, we did things in public, where we could be seen. We were blind together in our pointless, disgusting rage. We were not afraid. We should have stopped and thought, but we didn’t.

And oh what harm we did.

The Future Was Wide Open

Dear AOR Programming Managers,

For no reason anyone understands, you all do exactly the same thing over and over again: you start with a decent concept, make the mistake of hiring a bland, greasy content consultant and next thing you know you’re playing this:

  • Tom Petty
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers
  • Van Halen, both kinds
  • AC/DC
  • The Cars
  • Soon, your radio station circles the bowl and everyone wonders why when you started out with a great idea. Matt Pinfield’s station in New York is headed in this direction, bleating the dubious slogan, “The only rock station in New York playing new music.” This is a KILL ME NOW situation, programming managers, but that’s your problem, really. No, I’ve got another problem and it’s your blindness to 51% of the population. Programming managers, I’m sick to fucking death of songs describing violence against women.

    When I hear any of the following, I will change the station.

  • Possum Kingdom
  • Under My Thumb
  • Hey Joe
  • Plush
  • Jump Around
  • I Used To Love Her But I Had To Kill Her
  • Better yet, I might turn off the radio. Music is full of sex, which is great, and drugs, which is awesome, but I’m not going to listen to musicians rhapsodize about killing me and I’m not going to just get over it.

    Kisses,
    Princess Ta

    You Remember Me Tomorrow

    Let’s talk about our old friend the Political Compass, where I am a flaming pinko. I’ve taken this little test a few times and I always come out to the southwest of Gandhi. Naturally, that’s a neighborhood I can live with. I’d take his wife a casserole anytime.

    Lefty Leftists are leftastic.

    Please take this test. Watch out: some of the questions are gibberish:

    It is a waste of time to try to rehabilitate some criminals.

    Trying to rehabilitate the smalltime pot user is a waste of time because he/she shouldn’t be a criminal, but please lock up and throw away the key on serial killers. Who wrote this shite?

    Charity is better than social security as a means of helping the genuinely disadvantaged.

    Apples and oranges. That anyone composed that sentence is a problem all by itself.

    Some people are naturally unlucky.

    What? What?

    Astrology accurately explains many things.

    Nothing else explains the AQUARIUS! stickers on my bicycle.

    A significant advantage of a one-party state is that it avoids all the arguments that delay progress in a democratic political system.

    That is some grade-A political gibberish right there.

    First-generation immigrants can never be fully integrated within their new country.

    Can we dig up some Pilgrims and ask them?

    Those who are able to work, and refuse the opportunity, should not expect society’s support.

    Let’s say you’re a nuclear physicist and you can’t find work nuclearly physicisting. Should there be fries with that?

    Nonsense aside, after you’ve taken the test and seen where you turn out on the grid, I’d like you to take it a second time. It’s not a long test. What is it, five minutes? The second time, please consider the questions from a different perspective. Chances are good you took the test from a mainstream political perspective in which you get to make some or all of the decisions and some or all of the value judgments. Believe it or not, the vast majority of people in this country do not. So take the test assuming that you might be on the receiving end of those decisions and judgments instead of the delivering end.

    Let that sink in. I bet we might actually be neighbors.

    Crossposted at Brilliant@Breakfast

    I Say I Want To Be Alone

    Spent the afternoon at the dentist and can’t feel my face except for the parts that feel like someone whacked a tuning fork against them. So let’s talk about something cheerful.

    How to Prepare for a Volcanic Eruption

    Awesome.

    Protecting your family in the event of a volcanic eruption can mean the difference between life and death. However, knowing how to prepare for a volcanic eruption can be confusing without the right information. Organizing a plan of attack is key to proper preparation, and educating everyone in your family or household will help to better ensure their safety and well being when disaster erupts.

    Volcanoes fear being outflanked, so you’re already making them nervous.

    Know beforehand where the active volcanoes are in your area. Find out whether they’re likely to affect you where you’re living. If so, be prepared at all times.

    Things you should know: 1. Where are the cool clubs everyone wants to get into? 2. Where are the cool active volcanoes? Word to the wise: if you see smoke rising from the cool volcano, DON’T BE A VIRGIN and do run away in the very latest ember-repellant asbestos tuxedo!

    Put together an emergency supply kit. This kit is something that anyone living in a volcano zone should have prepared at all times. The kit should include such items as a first aid kit, food and water supplies, a manual can opener, a flashlight with extra batteries or preferably a crank model, any necessary medications, sturdy shoes, goggles or other eye protection, and a battery-powered radio. Ensure that everyone in your family knows where the emergency supplies that you prepared are located.

    None of these things will burn up in a pyroclastic flow so you’re A-OK no matter what!

    Set an emergency evacuation plan with your family. Review it in depth with them, so that each person knows what to do in the event of an eruption, how to find one another if you’re apart, and how to contact neighbors and/or emergency services if you cannot get away from the property using your own transportation.

    Ah! The important part: drive away!

    If anyone has disabilities, these need to be taken account of in the plan.

    Roll away!

    Include pets and livestock in the plan.

    Trot away!

    Discuss with your family what you will do if there are warnings to evacuate and any of you don’t want to leave. Bear in mind that it is not fair to other family members if some of you choose to stay behind in spite of evacuation warnings, and precautions should always be taken to ensure that those family members who want to leave can do so.

    Abandon ship!

    Know how to switch off all utilities and ensure that every family member old enough to be responsible for turning off utilities knows how to do so.

    Um…safety first?

    Talking to children about the possibility of a disaster and what to do in the event is better than pretending it may never happen. If children are aware that everything is planned should something go wrong, their fear and anxiety will be reduced in the event of a disaster because they’ll know how to respond.

    Show me on the doll where the volcano touched you, pumpkin.

    Create an emergency kit specifically for your car. It should include maps, tools, a first aid kit if you haven’t already packed one with your other emergency supplies, a fire extinguisher, flares, additional non-perishable food, booster cables, sleeping bags and/or emergency blankets, and a flashlight.

    When you’re finished RUNNING AWAY! it’d be excellent to join the fire department and go back in.

    Attend to livestock and pets. In the event that your house and property are directly impacted by the volcano, your animals will not be able to escape. Do what you can within reason to ensure their safety.

    Place your livestock in an enclosed area or make arrangements to transport them as far offsite as possible.

    Make transportation plans for your family pets. Be aware that most emergency shelters will be unable to accommodate them. If keeping your pets with you, you’ll need to be sure that you have planned ahead for enough food and water for them. Alternatively, leave messages on social networking sites such as Twitter asking for people who are available in the area who can board your pets temporarily until the disaster is over. You are bound to get a lot of kind offers.

    What? We trotted away paragraphs ago! Wait, are you saying my livestock which are supposed to huddle close together to avoid flying cinders depend for their survival on dorks who don’t know enough to evacuate and my pets go all Blanche DuBois? Oh. My. God. I’m a terrible person who doesn’t deserve the love of a Schnauzer!

    The most likely hazard during a volcanic eruption is ash fall. Knowing how to deal with it is important whether you’re remaining in place or you’re traveling.

    Stay indoors. Close all windows and doors; some may need to be sealed with tape or similar (damp towels work well). Stopper up any vents to outside if possible. Avoid using anything that sucks in air from outside such as air-conditioning or dryers.

    Bring all pets indoors. If you have livestock, bring them into sheds, barns, or other shelters. Even the garage will do as a temporary shelter. Ensure that livestock have enough food and water.

    Fill your bath and other containers with water. This may become a very important water source if ash impacts local water supplies.

    Protect sensitive electronics until the ash fall has well and truly ceased; only uncover them when the environment is totally ash-free.

    So much for the Twitterati feeding my livestock at the trough of my tub.

    After the ash fall, stay indoors and follow the radio instructions. When you do go outside, keep away from ash falls and build-up of ash and continue to wear protective clothing.

    Don’t drive through ash fall. It will clog your car’s engine severely and cause serious abrasion damage to the car.

    Keep children, pets, and animals indoors. If pets and animals have ash on their fur, hoofs, or paws, wash it away to prevent them from ingesting it and give them plenty of water to drink.

    Huh. This sounds like a Wile E. Coyote moment. Umbrella, anyone?

    If your home or property is in the path of a lava flow, pyroclastic flow, surge, or lahar, it is important to be ready to evacuate immediately when local authorities ask you to.

    And as my last meal at home, I will eat an entire herd of carpaccio, because I am AWESOME.