Gods Who Are Any More Vengeful

Between the Republican debate and the Tea Party debacle, I wondered when someone on television would turn to the camera and say, “This, friends, is what genuine crazytalk sounds like. This goes beyond requiring medication; it is so far gone that I’m going to ask you not to make eye contact with this herd of thundering bewilderbeests in the hope that we can get the studio audience safely out of the building. Hush. No sudden moves, please. Audience, please make your way to the fire exits and, for fuck’s sake, don’t look back.”

The more no one turns to the camera and sternly declares crazytalk is a danger to us, the greater that danger becomes. I hope you have BandAids and First Aid Cream. It would not be too much to strap on a helmet.

In the old days, before we tried bombing Afghanistan back into a Stone Age it never left, you might’ve pictured Wolf Blitzer falling on this grenade. In 2011, you hope Blitzer doesn’t feed you to the bewilderbeests. He would, you know. Bewilderbeests have teeth, and Blitzer fears anything sharp, like Ron Paul. Think I’m kidding? Ron Paul is so prickly you could cut yourself on his chitinous shell and Blitzer will have none of it!

Wolf Blitzer is concerned.

Seeing this – and this guy – I don’t really know what to say anymore. The statements have become so outlandish it can be difficult to recognize the genuine danger belied by the cartoony talk. Abolish Social Security? Saying something that stupid should disqualify a person from holding public office. Raise the Medicare age? Should be cause for a public inquiry into which pets and children that guy’s abusing. Cut Medicaid? Elderly people should spit on that public speaker. War without end? Please accept this plane ticket to the Hague on behalf of sane people everywhere. Cut food stamps and defund poverty relief programs? Excuse me, there’s a Mr. Jesus to speak with you. He looks upset. Hurry. He’s got a 4:30 with some bankers.

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