Category Archives: This Never Happened To Pablo Picasso

About A Dog That Licked Two Bones

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Last week, I was able to clip my own toenails for the first time in months. Suddenly, I had confidence that any day soon, I might be able to reach all ten toenails with the nail polish remover and that day was today. The wintery pale blue applied a scant few weeks after surgery came off and I clipped sharp corners off my nails. Then I applied a springy yellow-green, like the earliest buds, and sat still until the polish dried, after which I did a bit of shaping. It’s not launching my first satellite, but being able to take care of myself again beats the alternative all to hell.

Yes. Right now, my Docs are empty.

Yes. Right now, my Docs are empty.

Related: if your dude comes home and finds you polishing your toenails with a color he does not love, remind him that he won’t care when he’s wearing your thighs like ear muffs.

Make Like A Turtle And Dive

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This morning, I was surprised to find a chicken kicking around in my garden because it was a chicken and I’m pretty sure I don’t have any of those. I mean, you never know.

dont dont dont lets start

Naturally, I went to the grocery store for fresh vegetables because I like chickens. And chicken.

Me I’ll Be Sitting By the Water Fountain

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Last week, I was waiting for the bathroom to warm up and staring out the window at the chicken coop, where one hen was scratching outside of bounds. At first, the sight was a little confusing. I wasn’t sure what that girl was doing, though I could see her and was sure I shouldn’t be able to because I don’t actually have xray vision and can’t see through chicken coops. The people of the chickens say there’s one who shouts, “PAPILLON!” and goes over the wall all the time, so: okay. Then I took a shower. It was a good and thorough shower in which I lathered my entire epidermis, later slathering it with moisturizing goo, making me feel rather well. Then I looked out the window again and discovered two more chickens going on the lam.

The first wave of seeds have sprouted just in time for me to go back to work. It is so inconvenient to have to make a living at the time when flora comes to life.

The first wave of seeds have sprouted just in time for me to go back to work. It is so inconvenient to have to make a living at the time when flora comes to life.

I called my sister Anya.

Tata: Hey!
Anya: Hey! What’s up? That thing you said on Facebook was SO FUNNY when pronounced in the original Middle English!
Tata: Thanks.
Anya: The three-part harmony was very niiiice, not to mention the day-glo tulips –
Tata: I have to tell you a thing.
Anya: You do?
Tata: I do. It is this: the chickens are loose.
Anya: Is that code for something?
Tata: No. The chickens are actually loose.
Anya: By that, do you mean they are badly assembled?
Tata: Nope. You know your friend I don’t speak to? Call her and tell her her chickens are loose and making a break for it. You might want to hurry.
Anya: Oh!

About five minutes later, She Who Is Not the Boss Of Me ran down her back steps and wrangled some hens, while I returned to my cramped schedule of smelling great and admiring my luminous, soft skin. Because I am so awesome.

Everywhere A Sign Blocking Out

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Why is this lovely bouquet of birthday flowers shivering atop the bookcase, feeling so edible?

Why is this lovely bouquet of birthday flowers shivering atop the bookcase?

My sister Daria foolishly agreed to acquire props for her son Tyler Too’s junior high school production of The Wizard of Oz, though I rejoiced at the idea of a shopping list that included Nerf apples and flying monkey wings. She’s been calling me three times a day for the last week because I’m so creative.

Daria: I need one of those oil cans for the Tin Man. The hardware store didn’t have one. Where do I go?
Tata: You live across the highway from a Home Depot. Have you looked there?
Daria: No dice.
Tata: What? Not for nothing, but it’d be a hoot if Dot pulled out two cans of Pam and asked, “Regular or olive oil?”
Daria: Omigod.
Tata: Oz wasn’t supposed to be long ago and far away. It was supposed to be contemporary and recognizable. Point a can of WD40 at your rust bucket and the audience will go crazy.

Later:

Daria: The director said no to the WD40 but the costume committee texted me to pick up 8 masks, one with fur.
Tata: No. Not until the kids turn 18. What’s wrong with those adults?
Daria: For one thing, I’m not on the costume committee. Do they still make those things you stick in oil cans? Where would I get one?
Tata: Sure, any Auto Zone will have that.
Daria: Someone on Facebook suggested I get a big can of Foster’s. I could stick that nozzle in a Foster’s can, right?
Tata: Absolutely. I can’t help you shop, but if you need someone to drink the beer, I’m your girl.

Suddenly, I've remembered I'm made of meat and I too am nervous.

Suddenly, I’ve remembered I’m made of meat and I too am nervous.

On the Drum All Day

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My right hand feels twingy. Get your mind out of the gutter, gumdrop: I’m left-handed. Anyway, I needed a new way to knit that lets me rest one hand and a big-ass challenge. Can it be done? Can I do it?

Tough day with pain and I kept trying to sleep with my eyes open. To combat ennui, Mom brought by a knitting loom set - for SCIENCE!

Tough day with pain and I kept trying to sleep with my eyes open. To combat ennui, Mom brought by a knitting loom set – for SCIENCE!

We shall see!

I Understand About the Food

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This morning, I opened an envelope at work and found something totally unexpected: a thank you note from the family we collected for during the unnamed university’s anti-hunger project. We have not had any contact with the families and worked with the understanding that our efforts helped people we won’t know, but here was an adorable drawing in the hand of a tiny artist of five snowmen with initials of family members. My icy heart melted. Later, because I am a conniving thinkerizer, I cornered the head of the libraries and told her all about it in heart-rending detail until I was sure she would never allow anyone to cancel the project.

Georg put out the word that I can't be left to my imagination and yarnworkers have responded in a big, big way.

Georg put out the word that I can’t be left to my imagination and yarnworkers have responded in a big way.